Let's face it, going to the beach isn't all that fun: it's hot, there's crabs and you're walking home with sand in your crotch. Stay sane this summer and try going in a different direction -- by avoiding a beach body all together.
1. Double down on Double Down(s). If your body can rely on carbohydrates and fats for energy, it won't burn fat. That's why eating fast food can help you avoid a beach body. Pass the Gorditas, please!
2. Add alcohol to your diet. You know the expression "beer belly"? If you want to avoid that sizzling bod, guzzle down a six-pack of your favorite IPA, lager or stout. Not only you will appear more rotund, but you'll seem more like a "big fat party animal," a bonus during any poolside or beach bonfire.
3. Watch Orange is the New Black on repeat. You have the whole summer, and you're going to waste it outdoors? Your Netflix queue is calling out to you, begging you to catch up on House of Cards or get stoned and decipher meaning from Adventure Time.
4. Wear a muumuu. Caftan, robe, bedsheet -- whatever you want to call it, these flowing garments will create a rectangular silhouette, causing people to question what exactly is under them.
5. Refrain from physical activity. Just don't do it. Go take a nap. You've had a hard winter.
6. Stop getting tan. You could waste lots of money bronzing yourself in the bathroom so that your streaky legs look like a fucked up zebra, or you could save your money and buy Mario Kart for the Wii U!
7. Play Mario Kart for the Wii U. Dude, that game looks awesome. And Luigi makes this crazy side-eye death stare whenever he hits someone.
8. Sink into air conditioning. If necessity is the mother of invention, then air conditioning is the child that wins a Nobel Peace Prize. Really, it's man's answer to natural air. Stay cool and indoors, preferably on the couch. Don't bother with leg lifts, it's just too darn hot.
9. Fishing. This is a sport where you drink beer and sit on a boat until you catch dinner. Worried about animals rights? Catch and throw it back in. The fish may try to seek vengeance later with its newfound freedom, but remember that you're bigger than it, especially if you've followed steps 1 and 2 closely.
10. Do absolutely nothing. Seriously, I can't stress this enough. Don't go anywhere or do anything! It's that easy.