I should start by saying that Hocus Pocus is obviously ridiculous, but also wonderful. It's the only movie that breaks through my cynical millennial heart-husk and reminds me of a better time in all of our lives; a time when wearing tie dye shirts was hip as shit, and Sarah Jessica Parker had a pretty normal face. Let's revisit that time...

1) Thackery Binx is Not a Real Name

 

2) Max Is a Virgin??

Ummmmmm...no he's not. Come on, look at that dreamy 90s stud, cuddling like a pro. He's lived in L.A. his whole life, he's sweet, confident, he plays pretty decent drums, and he has killer hair; who wouldn't hit that? ...Wait, what? He's 17 years old? Uh....Yeah, he's a loser virgin, and I definitely don't dream about him every single night.

 

3) Dani's Demon-Screech Somehow Doesn't Get Her in Trouble

 

4) Too Many Lighters at the Sanderson House

If everyone in this town is SO into Halloween and superstitions, WHY IN THE NAME OF POSEIDON'S TRIDENT WOULD THEY KEEP SHELVES UPON SHELVES OF LIGHTERS THREE FEET FROM A CANDLE THAT, WHEN LIT, SUMMONS THREE OF THE MOST EVIL CREATURES TO EVER INHABIT SALEM? You'd think the people of this town would be a little more cautious with their ancient cursed satanic candles.

 

5) The Talking Cat Never Talks When It's Convenient

Everyone loves an animal sidekick, especially when it's a sassy, 17th century kitty cat. But one thing I never understood about this fluffy cynic, who apparently knows EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING, is when he chooses to talk. When his buckle-clad parents show up looking for him when he's first turned into a cat, he rubs his body on his dad's legs, meowing tragically as his pop yells "Away, beast!" So his parents are doomed to live their lives never knowing what happened to their beloved son. But why didn't Thackery (UGH) just tell his parents what was up? You know, like, "Hey. I'm an immortal cat now. This is probably gonna put a bit of a strain on the family dynamic, but I think in the long run we can adjust and cope with it. You ARE gonna have to look at my butthole a lot though LOL #SorryNotSorry." More importantly, right before Max lights the Black Flame Candle, Thackery (UUUGGHH) pounces on his face in a futile attempt to stop him. WHY NOT JUST TELL HIM NOT TO LIGHT IT? MAKE BETTER CHOICES, THACKERY. YOU ARE 100% THE WORST CANDLE-GUARD EVER.