I should start by saying that Hocus Pocus is obviously ridiculous, but also wonderful. It's the only movie that breaks through my cynical millennial heart-husk and reminds me of a better time in all of our lives; a time when wearing tie dye shirts was hip as shit, and Sarah Jessica Parker had a pretty normal face. Let's revisit that time...

1) Thackery Binx is Not a Real Name

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You read that right. His name is THACKERY. Not Zachery, THACKERY. I've been calling this guy Zachery for 20 years, and when somebody finally corrected me, boy did I feel like a goon. I don't know who convinced the writers that "Thackery" was some kind of old-timey colonial pilgrim name, but I looked it up, and it has literally never been a name of anything ever. Look, if you're
going to give a character an almost-name like that, you at least have to address it in the movie. Like, "Wait, you're name's THackery? Like with a T-H? Huh. Kind of fucking weird. Anyway, we've got to get to the party and warn everybody!" In conclusion, obviously never name anybody Thackery or Thelsea (mom), because it's total confusing bullshit and everyone knows it.

 

2) Max Is a Virgin??

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Ummmmmm...no he's not. Come on, look at that dreamy 90s stud, cuddling like a pro. He's lived in L.A. his whole life, he's sweet, confident, he plays pretty decent drums, and he has killer hair; who wouldn't hit that? ...Wait, what? He's 17 years old? Uh....Yeah, he's a loser virgin, and I definitely don't dream about him every single night.

 

3) Dani's Demon-Screech Somehow Doesn't Get Her in Trouble

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Max refuses to take his little sister trick or treating because he's kind of a terrible brother, and as a result she immediately lets out a deafening Hellish war cry from the depths of her inner-most bowels. A
bit of an overreaction, don'tcha think, Dani? If I ever screamed like this inside the house, you can forget trick or treating, buddy boy; I would have been stuck lotioning my grandma's calves for a goddamn lunar month. Use your inside voice, you spoiled jerk. I hate your big weird teeth, too.

 

4) Too Many Lighters at the Sanderson House

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If everyone in this town is SO into Halloween and superstitions, WHY IN THE NAME OF POSEIDON'S TRIDENT WOULD THEY KEEP SHELVES UPON SHELVES OF LIGHTERS THREE FEET FROM A CANDLE THAT, WHEN LIT, SUMMONS THREE OF THE MOST EVIL CREATURES TO EVER INHABIT SALEM? You'd think the people of this town would be a little more cautious with their ancient cursed satanic candles.

 

5) The Talking Cat Never Talks When It's Convenient

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Everyone loves an animal sidekick, especially when it's a sassy, 17th century kitty cat. But one thing I never understood about this fluffy cynic, who apparently knows EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING, is when he chooses to talk. When his buckle-clad parents show up looking for him when he's first turned into a cat, he rubs his body on his dad's legs, meowing tragically as his pop yells "Away, beast!" So his parents are doomed to live their lives never knowing what happened to their beloved son. But why didn't Thackery (UGH) just tell his parents what was up? You know, like, "Hey. I'm an immortal cat now. This is probably gonna put a bit of a strain on the family dynamic, but I think in the long run we can adjust and cope with it. You ARE gonna have to look at my butthole a lot though LOL #SorryNotSorry." More importantly, right before Max lights the Black Flame Candle, Thackery (UUUGGHH) pounces on his face in a futile attempt to stop him. WHY NOT JUST TELL HIM NOT TO LIGHT IT? MAKE BETTER CHOICES, THACKERY. YOU ARE 100% THE WORST CANDLE-GUARD EVER.