6) Fireproof Witches

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Winnie Mary and Sarah were killed EASILY by being hanged, but a giant industrial walk-in oven (in the middle of a high school for some reason) can't quite do the trick. This is directly contradictory to every piece of witch lore that has ever been written, from Hansel and Gretel to Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and if we aren't faithful to Monty Python, then what do we even have?

 

7) The Massive Amount of Unsupervised Children

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It's 4:00 a.m. Do you know where your child is? If you live in Salem, then you absolutely don't give a fuck even a little bit.

 

8) The Classic, Yet Always Annoying Moment When Several Characters Burst into Choreographed Song and Dance out of Absolutely Nowhere

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I Put a Spell on You. THIS. SONG. I love this modern, catchy pop ballad that Winnie completely improvises off the top of her head that actually samples a Screamin' Jay Hawkins song that was written in 1956 so how would she ever have heard it because she's been dead for 300 years and she doesn't even know what a goddamn bus is. I can only be SO upset at this loophole in logic, because I do jam out to this song on the way to work most days. This scene truly encapsulates the spirit of a nonsensical 90s high school movie, but with even worse hair; and that's why we love it.

 

9) The Salt That Alison NEVER Uses Because She's Useless and Max Only Likes Her for Her Yabos.

 

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Two thirds of the way through the movie, Alison discovers that salt is super effective against the witches. So why doesn't she just make a big circle of salt around the gang and play dominoes until the sun comes up? Come on, Alison, you sexy idiot, use your head. In her defense, she DOES make a circle of salt around Dani in the final climactic scene, but Dani is essentially the Halloween version of Carl, so she stays in there for all of five seconds before jumping out to help her adulterous zombie friend put his decapitated head back on. This movie's weird.

 

10) Max Is Actually Kind of a Psychopath

 

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After the Sanderson Sisters capture street youths Jay and Ice, their deaths are certain. That is, until the hero Max shows up to save the day! Max bursts into the cabin, outsmarts the witches, and rescues his kid sister! YYYEAHH, GET IT, MAX!!! Now to save your classmates! Wait, what are you doing? Are you...are you just taking his shoes and leaving? Dude, let them out of the cages!! They don't have any food or water! I know they picked on you a little and took your candy, but do they really deserve to di-oh, wait. Yep, he's gone. He straight-up bounced. Way to take the high road, Max. As the credits roll, we see the two unenthusiastically singing "Row Your Boat" as they dangle helplessly, dying a slow, horrible death, either from starvation or dehydration, most likely fermenting in their own urine and feces. The moral of Hocus Pocus? Don't fuck with beautiful teenage virgins from L.A., because they will steal your shoes, they will summon evil witches from the dead, and if you take their candy they will leave you to die in a puddle of your own excrement. Thanks for the life lesson, Disney!