Yayyy! You landed one of those I-might-get-a-job-after-college-type internships! Follow this simple checklist to prove that you're more of an asset to the corporate world than Dave from accounting. (sry Dave)
"Is that our new boss?" That! That's the reaction you should be going for every day! Go out and invest 90% of however much you expect to earn in a new wardrobe. Don't skimp on the socks. Wacky socks with bacon printed on them are trending in formal wear and everyone knows the boss likes bacon.PRO TIP: Casual Fridays are your chance to one-up everyone, definitely keep dressing up. Dave won't know what hit him. (sry Dave)
Wanna stretch your legs at the office? Just grab a pen and pad and start meandering through the maze of cubicles. Every so often stop, look around, and the write your name on the pad. Your officemates will be totally fooled and think you wrote something profound. Score!
PRO TIP: This is a good opportunity to sign checks!
Here are three textbook responses to real life scenarios you may encounter:
Boss: There's a big playoff game tonight.
Co-worker - How was your weekend?
You - Hahahaha!
Custodial Staff: You should probably get to work now.
PRO TIP: Open all emails with "Hahahaha"
Welcome to the world of Outlook my friends! When you really want to impress your manager, just make it seem like you're constantly receiving emails. Mark "read" emails as "un-read" when a co-worker is headed your way. As they try to give you busy work to do, point at your monitor and groan at all your unread emails. Ugghhh.
PRO TIP: Set your email as your Internet homepage. You'll be able to pull it up in a flash. Bada-bing. Bada-boom. Dave.
Try out "Just checking my email." Or "Oh man, am I busy!" Or even "Mondays - FUCK!" Watch your co-worker's priceless reactions as they realize how quickly you've become acclimated to office life.
PRO TIP: Use "It's about time I got a raise" sparingly.
You want the office to notice your determination, right? Just hit "reply all" and everyone will know you're putting your email skills to good use! Press the send button, pretend you're shooting a basketball, and then say "Outlook!" while you wave goodbye to the invisible basketball.
PRO TIP: CC. your friends into these emails, they're gonna want to know how productive you are too!
It's 5pm. Time to leave, right? WRONG. Hold out, young Skywalker, wait just long enough that your supervisor watches you diligently staring at your dormant email as he or she hits the road. Then count to 300 (that's 5 minutes) and take off.
PRO TIP: Learn your supervisor's route to and from work. This way you can avoid them at all costs. At. All. Costs.
Walk into the boss's office 4-5 times a day unannounced, look around at his photos, his awards, his awards, and his obstructed view of the parking lot. Then look him dead in the eyes and say: "Fuck that guy Dave from accounting!"