Hello! I'm Brian, the Chairman, President, and CEO of Comcast, and soon enough, Time Warner Cable, too. At Comcast, we love being your only option for phone, cable television, and high-speed Internet service, but to keep delivering the service our customers have no choice but to tolerate, we need help. That's why we're turning to you, citizens of the Internet, to help keep our how-is-this-possibly-legal monopoly afloat. But first, a little background on our gigantic corporation:
Comcast was founded by my Daddy in 1963, to fulfill his life-long dream: to ruthlessly purchase regional cable companies. When Daddy handed me the reigns in 1990, I perused that dream, gobbling up the competition with boundless limitation and scary ease. While our Borg-like empire would love to assimilate everything under, and including, the sun, unfortunately, that can get expensive. That's where you come in!
To merge with and retain controlling interest in Verizon, AT&T, GE, and all future companies that might spring forth on this doomed planet.
Corporate Lackey: $10,000 - at the ten thousand tier, you'll receive a Personal Letter Of Thanks from me. We are grateful for your contribution toward the oligarchy!
Corporate Minion: $10,000,000 - at this tier, you will receive a Comcast T-Shirt, made in Taiwan to skirt around child labor laws! Wear it to bed or out in public if you completely lack dignity or shame!
Corporate Slave: $100,000 - at this tier, you can Name A Lobbyist. Pick one of the lobbyists we spent a record five million dollars on in the past three months and give him a name! Name him after yourself, a loved one, or even something silly, like Pepe Buttsmore, or Legalized Bribery!
Corporate Asshole: $5,000,000 - all the rewards of the previous tiers, plus Your Very Own Television Show On An NBC Universal Station! Yes, we also control the way information about our awful company is disseminated! You'll be the star and executive producer of your very own TV show on any one of our networks, including Syfy, E!, Oxygen, NBC, the Golf Channel, and probably many more! Who can keep track?!
Rich Little Shit: $10,000,000- all the rewards of the previous tiers, plus Become a Philadelphia Flyer! We own the NHL franchise, and we'll place you in the position of your choice. Always dreamed of being on the ice, but lacked the athleticism, discipline, and desire? No problem! Enjoy getting the shit checked out of you by spiteful, angry goons who resent your money and privilege. Or, choose to be the coach! Try to win a Stanley Cup, or go ahead and tank the team! We don't care! We can always buy another!
You Should Feel Terrible About Yourself: $15,000,000 - all the previous rewards, plus Own 1 Percent of Hulu. We own 32 percent of Hulu, and we will give you 1 percent of it! What can you do with 1 percent? Not much, but you are now in THE 1 percent!
Supremely Repugnant Human Being: $25,000000 - all the previous rewards, plus Own Allen Iverson For A Day! Yes, we own the 76ers too! At this level, former superstar shooting guard Allen Iverson is yours for one day. Make him do your laundry! Punch him in the face! Enjoy the weird slavery implications!
Robots That Turns Into A Bigger Robots - you may be thinking, is this just a Transformer? No! This is a small, fully-functioning, fully-armed robot that can transform (not like a Transformer!) into a much bigger, more fully-armed, robot. As I'm sure you know, the usefulness of, and ethical objections to, a privately-owned standing robot army are limitless!
A House On A Private Jet - Honestly, most of the trips taken on our $40 million dollar private jet were to my private home (which home? All my homes!), so it would be great to just convert the jet into a mansion/base of operations and rain fiery death to my enemies from the skies above!
Purchase A Country - we can buy a country, establish a technocratic distopia, have a seat in the UN, lend money to the United States and extend their hopeless debt crisis, and much more!
There are a lot of Risks and Challenges attempting to own everything, but many of them will be mitigated by our billions of dollars in revenue, and that I am a white man. There is a slight chance Allen Iverson could lead the 76ers and the Flyers in an armed rebellion against our robot minions, but even if that happens, it will be really, really cool to see.