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You may recall that the erotic potential of Spiderman's powers was briefly explored in the 2002 film, but that upside-down kiss left us with some major spidey-blue balls. I mean, you KNOW Petey P and MJ had a full on upside-down BONE SESH that ended up on the cutting room floor because focus groups were getting TOO turned on.



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Well, duh. You could hold your partner up in all KINDS of weird positions without getting tired. Ain't no way Clark Kent was boinking Lois Lane while LYING DOWN ON A BED. Please. They did it standing up. And not against a wall, either. Straight-up in the middle of the room.



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Given the power to look like anyone in the universe, why would you ever choose to not look like a total babe and have sex with other total babes? Maybe if you had, like, a lot of work to catch up on one day and you didn't want people knocking down your door for sex. That's reasonable. Everyone needs to stay in once in a while. But the rest of the time, c'mon.



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If you had the power to stop time WHENEVER you wanted, you would probably get zero crime-fighting done, because you'd just stop time when you're mid-you-know-what and never start it again. No, I'm not going to tell you what "you-know-what" means. You KNOW what. (Ugh, fine. Orgasm. It means orgasm. Are you happy?)



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YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING LADIES!?!?!?



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YOU STILL KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING LADIES!

 

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(You do know what I'm saying, right ladies? I'm saying dudes can make their dicks bigger and harder. For your sexual pleasure.)

 

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Who needs fingers/mouths/sex toys when you have the ability to manipulate objects (or BODY PARTS) with your MIND? Probably most people, because it would be weird if you ONLY ever had telekinetic sex. But it would be fun to do once in a while! Also very practical for if your partner has an STD you don't want to catch. Safety is important.



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Wouldn't we all like to be able to get on top of someone without worrying about crushing them beneath our gross bodies? Or have sex while floating around the room? Ehhhh, actually that last thing might be difficult to get the right kind of...traction. Gravity actually seems pretty crucial for sex, now that we're thinking about it. Hmm.



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Pleasure your partner in multiple ways at one time, without dividing your attention! Or, have sex with A BUNCH OF DIFFERENT PARTNERS at once. Or HAVE SEX WITH YOURSELF!!! Wait, that's sort of just what masturbation is. But it's cooler if you have two bodies!



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The greatest superpower of all.