Listen up, German World Cup Team, AMERICA here. Are you READY for our World Cup showdown Thursday? Because you are about to get SPANKED AMERICA-STYLE when the U.S. FLIES IN LIKE A JET POWERED EAGLE and patriotically WHOOPS YOUR ASSES TIL YOU'RE RED WHITE AND BLACK AND BLUE!!!!
Or, failing that, we would be more than happy with a tie. Or just losing by one goal and hoping to advance on goal differential.
YEAAAHH!!!! Think you can HANDLE that???
Seriously, can you handle a tie? We'd be totally fine with one. We can both take it easy for a game, rest everyone's hamstrings, "accidentally" miss the net a few times and go "ohhh!", then play to a 1-1 draw and both advance to the knockout stage. AND you'd still win the group! AND you get to advance with the U.S., your cool-ass Western buddies! Pretty sweet deal, huh?
Besides, don't you WANT the U.S. to advance? The longer we stick around, the bigger Soccer becomes in the U.S., which grows the sport over here, then suddenly you're dominating an EVEN COOLER sport that AMERICANS like! Plus Portugal already enjoys soccer the maximum amount, and Cristiano Ronaldo looks like Vanilla Ice auditioning for a community production of West Side Story. And nothing against Ghana, but c'mon, do you ever even think about that country outside of the World Cup or a "G"-themed Sporcle quiz?
But if you DON'T take the deal, HOOO BOY, you better BELIEVE that the UNITED STATES of EM EFFIN AMERICA is gonna try really really hard to defy the odds and KICK YOUR ASSES just like we did to PORTUGAL IN 2002 which was the last time we actually beat a European team in the World Cup but THAT JUST MEANS WE'RE DUE SO WATCH OUT but seriously I think we'd both prefer it if you just took the deal and agreed to tie us because seriously it makes so much sense and aren't you guys supposed to be all organized and pragmatic YEAAAAH.
So what do you say, GERMANY? Yeah, I said Germany -- I REFUSE to call you guys "DEUTSCHLAND" because I speak ENGLISH! Unless, again, you agree to let us tie you, in which case, I will happily call you Deutschland, or ANYTHING, really, in any language. Want me to call you Super Awesome Sexy Nice World Of Cool Great Better-Than-America People in German? Just say the word (tie) and I'll frickin' shout that shit all day.
In conclusion, you better WATCH OUT, GERMANY! Specifically, watch out for when U.S. head coach Jurgen Klinsmann (A GERMAN BTW) gives you the signal (a sexy wink), then wink back, and we'll know the "tie" is on.
And if you say no? Well, then we'll just have to CRUSH YOU.*
*Under an avalanche of "SOCCER IS STUPID ANYWAY" Tweets if the U.S. loses