1. The Carmen Sandiego


 

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AKA, "The Employed Person Who Is Somehow Never Not On Vacation"

Whoa! This person just posted SEVENTY-ONE new photos from Halong Bay, Vietnam! That's pretty impressive, especially considering they were literally in Santorini, Greece three weeks ago, and even MORE impressive considering they SOMEHOW HAVE A FUCKING JOB?

How are they off work 90% of the time? Did they secretly get fired years ago but also embezzled billions of dollars on their way out? Are they Photoshopping themselves into 71 Google Images? Or are they just Australian??? HOW??

 

2. The HEALTH TRUTHER

 

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Here's a simple life philosophy:
"Be more aware of where your food comes from, and make a daily effort to eat better."

The Health Truther knows that this philosophy is for PUSSIES. Forget "just trying to eat well" -- this Facebook vet knows that EVERY SINGLE DAY, 3 more foods are revealed to have NEAR-MAGICAL HEALING POWERS OF IMMORTALITY and 3 other foods have been scientifically proven to MURDER YOU AND EVERYONE YOU CARE ABOUT (and those foods KNOW who you care about).

These reports often conflict, or are completely exaggerated for click-baiting effect, or are wholly inaccurate, but that's not important. What IS important is that this person must post EVERY SINGLE ONE in an effort to make you aware of your inevitable impending death and to let you know that they're now immune to liver cancer because they ate cilantro twice.



3. The TRUTH TRUTHER

 

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This Opposite-Of-A-Sheep (Wolf? Some weird, inside-out sheep? Sheep Wario?) just sees through all the BULLSHIT, y'know? He knows everything's BULLSHIT, and everyone's BOUGHT AND PAID FOR and it's all ONE BIG CIRCLEJERK and even that circlejerk is a buncha BULLSHIT.

It's his personal duty to inform the rest of us dumbass pawns Re: ALL THE BULLSHIT by constantly sharing links to websites with the word "Truth" or "Mind" in them, usually between hyphens and shit (Popular Examples may include: TheTRUTH-Fairy.org, OPEN-your-MIND-by-clicking-this-THING.info, and TRUTH-MIND-TRUTHMINDtruthy-TRUTHTRUTH.com)

 

4. The Bait-Taker

 

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Wow. This person is speechless. She literally couldn't BELIEVE what happened next. But what happened next... restored her faith in humanity. That's right, she had lost her faith in all of humanity before this. But it's back now. Which is good, because it'll help her get through the day.

5. The Live-Tweeter Of...Something?

 

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The only thing this person loves more than watching Sports or live Awards Shows is reacting to them non-stop in the form of short, quippy Facebook statuses with ZERO context that instantly become dated & confusing then linger around on Facebook for 36 hours somehow.

Some popular examples are:

"WHOA!"

"1-0"

"Sick"

"OMG!!!!"

"Good Sports or Awards Show Thing right there!!!"



6. The Ball Of Rage Bouncing Around A Rage-Room With Four Rage Walls

 

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This person simultaneously cannot BELIEVE what happened to them this morning, and cannot BELIEVE what is going on in the world.

FIRST, the Starbucks person gets their order wrong AND misspells their name and doesn't even fucking apologize, THEN there's an article online about this state senator FUCKWAD who said something about science that was TOTALLY WRONG! CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS SHIT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS GARBAGE FUCKING WORLD COMING TO (FUCK)????!!!!! ANOTHER DAY OF THIS SHIT? WHEN WILL ALL THE SHIT JUST STOP, Y'KNOW??? SERIOUSLY, STOP ALL THE FUCKING SHIT, WORLD!

NOTE: This person and The Truth Truther constantly Like each others' posts.


NOTE #2: In person, this individual is completely normal and doing fine.

 

 

7. The Nice, Happy, Well-Adjusted Person Who Loves Their Partner / Spouse / Family / Pets / Children / Life

 

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Is there anything worse?