Realizing that you have to poop when you're on the job is without a doubt the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone ever. But the thing is, everybody poops. Even girls poop, we just do it way classier, like with monocles and stuff. But regardless of your gender, having to drop a log in public is rarely a pleasant experience, so without further adieu, here are a few at-work tips you might want to keep in mind while doing what comes naturally! (shitting)
The window between 10:00 a.m and 11:45 a.m. is known as the 'ghost-stall' period; everyone has already taken their post-breakfast poos, and you have a solid 15 minutes before people start taking their pre-brunch poos. Now is the time to strike.
Nobody knows your face on floor seven, so feel free to help yourself to their fancy toilets as frequently as you like! The only problem with this method is that, after a while, you'll kind of become known as 'The Poop Guy from Floor Three'. You COULD combat this by mixing up which floor you poop on every once in a while, but then you run the risk of being 'The Poop Guy From EVERY Floor,' so be careful. While this is an incredibly shameful existence, you just have to weigh that against how much you want to avoid your peers hearing things come out of you.
One exists in every building in the world, and, if discovered, it will be your personal sanctuary from the this day until your last day. Check the parking garage, the storage closets, even the roof (see: Scrubs); she is elusive, but she is more than worth the chase. Once you find that clean, single-stalled haven, all of your worries will be forgotten, and you can finally poo in peace.
Depending on your diet, you'll be gone anywhere from 5-45 minutes, so you'll need to come up with a believable reason for your absence that throws people off the trail. Stand up, laugh loudly to show your coworkers that you are at ease, confidently say "I NEED TO MAKE AN IMPORTANT CALL NOW," then hastily exit. They'll be duped, and you'll seem like a go-getter!
If the bathroom is completely empty, all systems are go. However, even though you may think you're in the clear, you must always poop with fear in your heart. Too often, a person feels too safe, so they take their sweet-ass time and then someone walks in mid-poo; this is worse than death.
If the bathroom is completely full, lay a few strips of toilet paper across the bottom of the bowl, and let loose. Everyone will know someone is pooping, but they won't be sure who it is because the plops will be muffled!
You may find that when you walk into the lavatory, somebody is already taking care of their business. This is bad because over the dead silence you will both be able to perfectly hear every single embarrassing sound that escapes from your nooks and crannies. The horrible, traumatic, intimate moment you share with the person you're forced to poop next to is something that should never have to be suffered through. This is why you always need an excuse to leave without ever going into a stall. If you just walk in, wash your hands, and walk out, as is the classic method of escaping this pickle, the person will immediately know your true (or should I say poo? ;)) intentions. Instead, say very loudly "Wait a minute...This isn't my office!" and scamper off to an unoccupied latrine.
If there are no other bathrooms in your building, I suggest using the classic boombox trick. As mentioned in the previous tip, the main reason public intestinal expulsions are so embarrassing is because the deafening silence causes every tiny grunt and toot to instantly become a cacophony the likes of which this Earth has never experienced. To solve this dilemma, purchase a boombox from your local Toys R Us and set that bad boy up in your office's thunder room! Everyone will feel more at ease when Toto's Africa is serenading them as they empty their bowels, and you'll also have created a hip new hangout spot!
Find three healthy-looking mannequins, and rip their legs off. Throw those bad boys in a duffle-bag and take them to work with you every day. Any time you want to drop an undisturbed deuce, put the mannequin legs in the stalls next to you, and if somebody walks in, they'll assume the stalls are full and seek relief elsewhere! Plus, you'll finally have a cool 'thing' that makes you stand out! You'll be "that guy with all the dismembered legs under his desk."
The truth is, nobody actually cares, so stop freaking out about a part of your life you can't do anything about, and try being happy for a change. Go on a date, get a haircut, start a vlog, something. Look, you're a human being, and sometimes, human beings defecate. Sure, occasionally there are some pretty embarrassing wet fart noises. Yeah, sometimes it smells like really really old boiled eggs. Every once in a while it's just generally...I don't know, more violent than you thought it was gonna be and, like, your boss hears you and you can tell she knew it was you in the stall too, 'cause she complimented your shoes earlier and now she's never gonna respect you again and you're definitely not gonna get that promotion, so you might as well just quit.
Okay, fuck it, just go poop at home.