1. You have caring loving friends again! Your girls are "always there for you," but not when you're in a happy relationship. If your ass is dumped, they will be at your place in ten seconds flat with pints of ice cream and that new Bradley Cooper flick from Red Box. Kind of inconsiderate, seeing as your ex looks identical to Brad, down to his rippling abs...But still, your friends are back! Who cares that they're forcing you to stare at your ex's doppleganger all night?
2. Write that novel. Now that your heart has been ripped out and stomped into the ground, you have reached a new level of cynical omnipotence when it comes to romance. You should share your philosophical genius with the world...or maybe just start a new hashtag trend on Twitter. Both work.
3. Your parents will wire pity money to your bank account, or take you to dinner because you are so damn pathetic. Free food? Yes, please. Nothing soaks up tears better than leftovers, and seeing as you've run out of toilet paper, the restaurant's bathroom will surely off some replenishment rolls.
4. You can make a new playlist that is nothing but Taylor Swift. Every single one of her 86 heart-wrenching songs is totally your life right now, and you're gonna make sure everyone knows it by blasting that shit ALL THE TIME. On the highway, at the gym (which you most likely won't be going to), when you're grocery shopping, etc. Tay-Tay is your number one girl. She just gets you.
5. CRAFTS. Now that you've got all this free time, those dumb crafts on Pinterest actually seem kind of cool...I mean, you've been wondering how to turn that old college t-shirt into a slutty crop top, and here are 15 ways to do so! That one even has a BOW! Or you could make a blanket! A t-shirt blanket! That you can sleep under...by yourself...in your bed...with no one else...
6. SWEATPANTS! ALL THE TIME!
7.You no longer have to bake the cookie dough. Break-and-Bake? More like Break-and-Stuff-In-My-Mouth-While-I-Binge-Watch-"Toddlers and Tiaras." Pair it with a whole box of Franzia and you are good to go. No more oven, no more clean up, no more waiting for cookies to cool down. Just you, cookie dough, cheap wine, and obese stage moms.
8. You can use toilet paper as Kleenex, and it's totally cool. Although the toilet paper doesn't hold a candle to your ex's spooning ability, you couldn't rip pieces off of your ex and stuff them in your nose to slow the snot avalanche, so, all in all, you're better off with the TP.
9. Bye bye showering - not only is there no point, but you now have a valid excuse for grungy hair. "I got dumped" is basically a "get out of jail free" card for bathing. Oh, and shaving? HA! Throw your razors away, you don't need 'em! There's no one to impress anymore.
10. You don't have to share popcorn at the movies. You don't have to share ANYTHING, EVER. Because there's no one there to share it with...no one wants to share anything with you...you are all alone. Don't bother checking your phone for messages...there's nothing there...except one from your Mom, who recently discovered text to talk, and all it says is "snake bites jazzercise OK?"
That is your life now.