- Vatsyayana, the writer of the Kama Sutra, approaches two trusted friends, Raja and Prateek.
I have been commissioned by the king to write a book on human sexuality.
This is important work. I will help you.
Indeed, human sexuality deserves study. I, too, will help you.
I will write it in seven parts, with parts devoted to courtship, virtue, sexual congress, and other topics. Let us start with sexual congress. You both have had sex, right?
- Raja and Prateek become uncomfortable.
- Raja and Prateek
Oh, yeah. Yeah yeah.
- Vatsyayana (also uncomfortable)
Great. We are all so experienced. I, for one, am very experienced, but I don't want this book to be only about my experiences--of which there are so many--so first tell me some of your favorite positions.
Um. Well we might begin with the easiest one. The one we all know.
Yes, the first one we all did when we had sex the very first time. Which is the...
- Vatsyayana and Prateek
- Vatsyayana (writing)
First...position. Got it. Now, one thing this volume needs is illustrations. Raja, you are truly a great illustrator. Would you mind sketching out the first position for us?
- Raja (reluctantly taking the parchment)
It would be my honor. (Drawing) So, there is the man, obviously, and the man is--
Yes, that makes sense.
Which would make the woman on bottom. Okay. So their legs are like so, and their arms are like so, and their expressions suggest sublime pleasure. And the penis goes...
- Prateek (laughing uncomfortably)
Well we all know where the penis goes.
Heh, yawn, that is boring.
- Raja draws quickly, avoiding eye contact.
We are making tremendous progress. Prateek, tell us one of your favorites next.
My favorite? Oh, well, there are so many.
Then pick one.
I like--I like--(glancing at a nearby park)--a position called The Tree and--
--and the Other Tree.
- Raja (squinting)
I don't think I know that one.
- Prateek (loosening his collar, coughing)
Sure. So, with the Tree and the Other Tree, the woman stands up straight.
Like a tree?
Like a tree. And the man also stands--um--like a tree. And then they stand there. Sexing each other. Until they are done with that.
- Raja, who has been drawing, stops.
By just standing there?
Prateek, are you sure you have had sex before?
- Prateek (sputtering)
Well, yeah! Yes. So much of it. More than he has (indicating Raja)!
Let me tell you one that I like called the Beetle and the Grass Blade. (Whispering) So the man and woman meet at a well, and the man's like, wow, this woman! And he talks to her for a while. And he asks where she lives. And she lives nearby. And he asks about her family first, buttering her up...for the sex.
Is all this necessary?
- The king's female servant approaches them from behind.
- Raja screams and drops the drawings.
The king wishes to know the progress of the book. (The servant sees the drawings on the ground) The Tree and the Other Tree? What is this? These positions...seem....? You all have had sex before right?
- Vatsyayana, Prateek, and Raja
Oh, absolutely. Absolutely.
I just had some a minute ago.
Good, because the king expects this book to guide sexual union between lovers for all time. Are you three capable of handling this responsibility?
We've had lots of sex. Please.
- Servant (stepping closer, whispering)
Then you know the position the Jealous Scorpion?
- Servant (bringing her face close to Vatsyayana's, whispering even quieter)
And you know the Ascending Mollusk?
- Vatsyayana (whispering intensely)
We love the Ascending Mollusk.
- Servant (inches from Vatsyayana's face)
Then do tell. Because I just made it up.
- The Servant walks away.
- Vatsyayana (turning to the others)
Want to come back to sexual congress?
- Prateek and Raja
Okay, Courtship. Raja, go.
A man and a woman meet at a well, and the man asks about her family...