1. Every time you see a baby, you hear the soundtrack from The Omen 2. You already spend too much time cleaning up your own vomit. 3. You tried to choke out a kid in the toy aisle for touching your Legos 4. Your silverware drawer only contains sporks and bendy straws. 5. You built a beer can pyramid to hide the hole you accidently kicked in your wall. 6. You have shirts designated as "back-up" toilet paper. 7. You believe duct tape is a reasonable way to deal with a crying child. 8. "Doing laundry" means spraying your clothes with Lysol. 9. You shaved your cat and named him Gollum. 10. Your idea of a healthy diet is eating the mint from a Mojito. 11. Your car has bungee cords because seatbelts are for "amateurs" 12. You fed your nephew hot sauce and then called him a wimp for crying. 13. You've called in sick so many times that your co-workers have started a charity in your honor. 14. Your parents moved and refuse to give their new address. 15. You draw boobs on anyone that falls asleep before you do. 16. You moved your couch and realized your carpet isn't black after all. 17. You used your nephew's Buzz and Woody dolls to teach him the facts of life. 18. You've replaced toothpaste and mouthwash with chewing gum and vodka. 19. You keep rearranging your neighbor's garden gnomes into obscene positions. 20. Every time your Grandmother nods off you yell "go into the light." 21. You shaved your chest hair into the shape of a tie for your best friend's wedding. 22. You created a game called "Is It Poop or Is It Chocolate." 23. You grab a lighter and yell "light the beacons" every time you have to fart. 24. You almost got arrested for drunk driving your niece's Barbie Jeep. 25. Firefighters had to use the Jaws of Life to cut you out of a baby swing...twice.