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Summer is in full swing, which means the scorching sun is heating up against your skin, beating down on your summer spirit like a bunch of hippies in a drum circle. But it's not like you're King Moneybags living in a studio apartment with air conditioning. No, my friend, you must resort to other means to cool off during the center of Hell's asshole known as "July and August."

 

1. Loiter all day in a Barnes & Noble.

For all the bookworms afraid of lawbreaking, this is a great way to tiptoe into delinquency. Spend hours perusing the shelves and reading without paying a dime. There's even water fountains! It's like a "public book library" without the taxpayer's money. Sure, you might run into trouble with "security," but that badge is purely decorative.

 

2. Use other people's umbrellas at the beach.

When they head out for a walk/some other dumb thing on the beach, slip into the comfy lawn chair and enjoy time out of the sun. Pro tip: while you're there, help yourself to whatever snacks they brought. People with those umbrellas always have snacks.

 

3. Stick your head under an Icee/Slurpee machine.

Depending on your part of the country, there is a convenience store and/or movie theatre serving syrup slush. This slush causes cancer of the balls and is also extremely delicious, not to mention very chill. Get in on that slush!

 

4. Sneak into a rich person's pool.

All you need is a swimsuit underneath your clothes, a towel and the ability to jump fences quickly. Keep an eye out for guard dogs trained to attack you. However, if the dog seems cool, put some sunglasses on them and swim in the pool together. Now you got a real party going!

 

5. Steal beers from another picnic.

This requires two people. One person needs to distract the unsuspecting picnickers ("Hey, look! It's two ladybugs humping!") while the other swiftly takes the blue Igloo cooler. Trust me, even if it's a kids birthday picnic, that cooler is full of ice cold ones.

 

6. Identify theft your way into an air conditioned hotel room.

People make reservations all the time at luxury resorts and show up way past the check-in time, so smart up and check in as those rick folk using their credit card info, which you've stolen! Then sit back, order gelato for room service, and bask in their identity -- their wondrous, luxury-resort-room-service-air-conditioning-affording identity.

 

 

7. Break into a restaurant's subzero freezer.

Just slip in. No one will notice. WARNING: DO NOT LOCK SELF IN SUBZERO FREEZER. If you are caught, you WILL go STRAIGHT to jail. Also, you'll probably DIE before that happens, because it is BELOW ZERO TEMPERATURES.