The beach: it's fun for about five minutes and then it sucks!
The sun's too hot, the water is too cold, you get sand in body crevices you didn't even know existed, you never remember to bring enough water so you have to walk three miles to buy a $5 water bottle at the snack bar, your annoying friend inevitably asks you to rub sunblock on their fleshy hairy back and you get so grossed out doing it that you forget to put sunblock on yourself and then you get a very painful peeling sunburn on your midsection and can't sleep on your stomach for the rest of the summer. Also, you KNOW that looks aren't important and the whole idea of a "bikini body" is some bullshit that women's magazines are shoving down your throat so that you'll hate yourself enough to buy moisturizing glow-in-the-dark eyeshadow, BUT...it's still pretty hard to relax when you're essentially hanging out naked in front of all your friends.
So here are 8 ways to APPEAR as if you're enjoying yourself at the beach:
1. Stare into the depths of the ocean. You're not socially awkward, you're just really, really deep. You know who else did this? Hemingway probably.
2. For a break from having to make conversation, go swimming alone. If anyone comes in after you, keep them from getting too close by shouting "I'm peeing right now!" when they swim near you.
3. Sunglasses are a great way to look carefree while marvelling at how comfortable everyone else on the beach seems despite being clad only in waterproof underwear. Wow, your one friend's boobs are way bigger than you thought.
4. Read a book! You were too embarrassed to bring the goofy book you're actually reading, so instead you grabbed the John Updike novel you bought at a used book sale in 2008 and never touched, and now you're only pretending to read it. Niiiiice and relaxing.
5. Emit several contented sighs, each deeper than the last, and dig your fingers into the sand as if just the sensory experience of being in this environment is soothing to your very soul. Everyone will think you're really relaxed, but little do they know you're secretly thinking about the bus schedule to get home.
6. If you really can't handle looking at your own pasty fat-folds any longer, have your friends bury you in the sand. Pretend you can't get out from under all that sand, even though you totally can. What larks!
7. Look at your phone. You can't read anything on it, because the sun is too bright, but you can still look in the general direction of the screen. They can never take that away from you.
8. Drink a lot.