Hello, phellow Phish phans! With all the great Phish shows coming up this summer, it can be hard to decide what shows to go to, especially if you are forty seven, recently divorced, and trying to win back the love of your teenage son. Should you take your saved up vacation time and go to every show, so my son Trevor will think I'm cool and maybe give me a hug? Or do you wait for the big shows at the end of a run, which will be a fun and safe environment for Trevor to drink beer? Let's run down the schedule!
Randall's Island, New York, NY
Phish always plays big bust-outs when they come to the New York area, plus the outdoor area is cool to smuggle in some Everclear so Trevor can get drunk enough to tell me he loves me. I recommend you stand "Page side rage side" and turn off your cellphone so my ex-wife Becca's new boyfriend who drives a freaking Lexus can't call and tell you that it's over and all the texts in the world can't change the past.
FirstMerit Bank Pavilion at Northerly Island, Chicago, IL
Jesus may have left Chicago, but Phish has arrived, along with me and my son, and his girlfriend Dakota, because bringing her is the only way I can get Trevor to come to shows. If we're lucky, Phish might play some of the Gamehenge songs, and Trevor will sit in the front seat on the drive home instead of sitting in the back with Dakota, fingering her under my sport coat.
Merriweather Post Pavilion, Columbia, MD
A show in the middle of a tour is full of questions. Is Trey confident enough to nail the tricky licks in "It's Ice?" Will my son like Chelsea, the girl making grilled cheese sandwiches in the lot who can get us oxy? What song will play between "Mike's Song" and "Weekapaug" Groove - a classic "I Am Hydrogyen" or more rocking "Simple" or "Harry Hood?" Will Trevor tell Becca I let him bump oxy? After that big bust out last July, will Phish continue to play "Skin It Back?" Are Chelsea and I dating? Our kiss last year was confusing and featured wandering tongue.
Dick's Sporting Goods Park, Commerce City, CO
This venue has a lot of history for Phish fans, and for me personally. It was here in 2012 that Phish played "F Your Face." It was also here in 2013 that Trevor told me to stop doing the "Meatstick" dance during non "Meatstick" songs because it made me look like a narc. The plan this year is to get goofed out on moon rocks so Trevor knows I can party with the cool bros, but not so goofed out that Becca has to come and pick us up like she did last year.
PNC Music Pavilion, Charlotte, NC
Don't sleep on this one! There's been some real great jams at Charlotte shows in the past, in both the 2.0 and 3.0 era. Come to this show if you're looking to see a face-melting "Fluffhead" and me doing hits of nitrous until one of Trevor's friends (I buy all of Trevor's friends tickets) kindly takes me to the EMT. It'll be the best Charlotte show since the year I had a bad trip and tried to get on stage to escape from the sea of demonic Beccas in the middle of "Lawn Boy", and security called me a crazy old man and punched me in the back of the head. They said it was someone from the crowd throwing a water bottle, but I know the score.
Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre at Encore Park, Alpharetta, GA
If you go to any show on the tour, this is the one to hit. I'm going to get a Universal Life Church Minister to marry Chelsea and I during setbreak, no matter how much Becca protests that she's only 17. I keep telling her that Chelsea has her parents' permission and I will do the right thing and legally adopt Chelsea's Siberian Huskey, Psycho Killer, in a beautiful ceremony that will show Trevor I am a family man at heart. Trevor said he'd be my best man if I helped him cheat on his PSATs.
nTelos Pavilion, Portsmouth, VA
The end of the tour. Normally a time to mourn the end of a great run of shows, and to receive summons for failing to pay child support for my son who is not Trevor, there are also some things phellow Phish phans can be certain of. We will certainly hear a mind-blowing "Reba" and a type II "Tweezer." The cops will certainly realize I'm the one who cut the brake lines on Becca's new boyfriend's Lexus. We will certainly be disappointed by a "Character Zero" encore. We will certainly end the night with Trevor's hand in mine as we speed toward our new life Mexico City. I just hope we can get Phish to play there next year.