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1. Master the Basics

Listen up, ya glove jockeys. Beating yourself up is a simple art that anyone can excel at if you put in the hours. The first step is to practice making a basic attack on your personality and appearance. "You're ugly" or "you're untalented" are good starting points.

Now we hit those, over and over. Every day. It's all about the reps, people. Muscle memory. Repeat these thought patterns enough and pretty soon, they'll become habit.

 

2. Remember to Follow Through

Number one rule of beating yourself up: FOL-LOW THROUGH. You need to follow through in order to give your attacks full power. Don't pull back after telling yourself that your reply-all email was stupid; follow through by worrying that it'll cause you to get fired and it's a sign that you're doomed to be a professional failure forever. There, see? Way more devastating. Good work. Take a seat. Breathe through your nose.

 

3. Experiment With Combinations

As you become more advanced at beating yourself up, we're gonna start to mix things up with combinations. Get down on yourself about one area of your life, and while you're busy defending that, boom! Quickly jab at your unprotected vulnerabilities. One-two, one-two. There it is. You're spoiled and you also have bad posture. You're a killer!

You got 'em right where you want 'em: confused and overwhelmed, so that each additional assault will feel critical. They also might start to cry.

 

4. Parry Away Defenses

Now, someone you love will probably try to defend you. It's crucial that you be ready to block those defenses. Tell yourself they're just saying nice things because they don't want to deal with your crying. Faster! Faster! You gotta be READY for those!

 

5. Take a Break

Grab a squat for a few. Your attacks will have more impact if you give the target a few weeks to calm down and start feeling good about herself. Then when she's least expecting it, POW! A blitzkrieg of rapid-fire blasts about how your fingers are fat and you never call your grandma and you're so self-centered that you don't even know what's happening in Iraq. Before you know it, you're on the floor reliving the time in 4th grade you didn't know what a boner was and everyone laughed at you even though most of them probably didn't know either. Critical hit: achieved!

 

6. Stay on Your Toes

You practice for a few months, and you should be in a constant state of alertness for bad things about yourself. Bounce. Bounce. Never relax. As boxing great Muhammad Ali once said, "float like a butterfly, always feel vaguely guilty without knowing why like a bee."

 

7. Always Be Improving

The work doesn't stop when you leave the ring. Your lifelong commitment to beating yourself up should seep into your everyday life, whether you're doing things you like (you're a lazy piece of shit for watching TV instead of reading) or spending time with friends (no one likes spending time with you because you only want to talk about yourself; you know that, right?).

After all, if you don't try to improve all the time, you won't even be good at beating yourself up. And jeez, really? You're even failing at that? God, you're a loser.