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A lot of people with a time machine would instantly go back in time and kill Hitler, which is fair, but what if that changes the course of history SO significantly that you and your family end up never existing, thus ripping a paradox in the space-time-continuum and possibly unleashing like 10 Hitlers or something?

Instead, wouldn't it be so satisfying to just rub Hitler's toothbrush on your privates, therefore not totally altering your existence as we know it, but allowing you to forever know that Hitler totally brushed his teeth with your dick-cells and had NO idea?


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"Hey Ancient Egyptians, I'm a giant cat, i.e., a God. Build me 10 more pyramids, each one larger than the last, and in the shape of a cat's face smiling and wearing a little top hat." Haha, they'd be like "You got it, boss."

 

 

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I've always wanted to attend a party in 1890 and have the host be like "Let's get this thing CRANKIN" and play The Washington Post March on a victrola and everyone be like "WOOOO!!! YEAAHHH!!! This is the music now!!!!"*

*Note: That's actually how people talked then. They constantly said "this is what stuff is like NOW."

 

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Then go back to the present, and suddenly I don't feel so bad about watching the NFL.

 

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What was going ON in that decade? Wouldn't it be awesome if literally any of us could go back to 1982 and just instantly be more attractive than everyone and become revered movie stars / models / successful post-punk new-wave bands? And we'd get to rub elbows / have sex with the other most attractive people in the decade, namely Prince, Kelly LeBrock in the movie Weird Science, and that's it! Just those two.



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Then tell him "SILENCE, EARTHLING" and convince him I'm an Alien who knows all and tell him he NEEDS to just keep making that movie like nothing ever happened because it's great. Ideally this wouldn't change history whatsoever, it'd just be real fun.

 

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"Oh, you think she's a witch? Check THIS out!" [Plays the 'Tool Time' Theme on my phone while a GIF of a cartoon Satan dances]. "YEAHHH!!!!" [Instantly hops back in time machine]

 

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If I don't have enough time for both, then only the second thing.



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Profile pic for LYFE.



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Or maybe just, like, tell myself not to get my hopes up about the Star Wars Prequels. Whichever's easier.