Okay, so you set your alarm for PM instead of AM/got way too drunk last night/stayed up until 6 in the morning binge-watching Pokemon Indigo League, and now you're late for work. Whatever the reason, don't give up hope! Everyone has mornings like this, so here's a step-by-step guide to help you make it through it!

 

Step 1) Freak Out

 

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First, as you're awakened by the melodic chirping of the birds, let the peaceful warmth of the sun embrace you. Then as the thought "Oh fuck...THE SUN." shoots into your head, scramble to get out of bed at the speed of light itself, get tangled up in your laptop cord, fall on the floor and land directly on your spine; this will get your adrenaline pumping, a necessity for speedy preparation.

 

 

Step 2) Skip the Shower

 

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THERE'S JUST NO TIME. Wipe down the important parts (you know which parts) and massage some baby powder into your scalp to soak up that tell-tell head-grease.

 

Step 3) Skip the Poop

 

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Pooping is generally unnecessary and time-consuming. Just let out small painful toots throughout the day and cover them up with laughter. You'll seem like a fun-loving person, and your co-workers will be none-the-wiser. If you absolutely have to poop, it can be a great opportunity to take care of several things at once, such as eating a hearty breakfast or shaving!

 

Step 4) Chew All of The Gum You Own

 

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DENTAL HYGIENE IS A LUXURY YOU DO NOT HAVE. Gather all of the gum from the pockets of your discarded pants, the bottom of your purse, et cetera, and shove it into your face.

 

Step 5) Attempt to Not Smell LIke the Sweaty, Un-Bathed Disgrace You Are

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Febreeze your body and clothes until both are reasonably damp and top it off with a layer of perfume and/or cologne that would make even the most popular middle school boy's eyes water. Nobody will notice you haven't washed those jeans in over a month, plus you'll get all sorts of babes with the help of those smooth-ass pheromones. ;)

 

Step 6) Leave Your Apartment Super Fucked Up

 

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If you leave your place and your hair straightener is off, the lights are off, the bathroom faucet is off, the stove is off, and the door is locked, and your shoes are on, you're doing it wrong. Those trivial things can wait until you get back, CLOCK'S A TICKIN'!

 

Step 7) Accept That Your Car Will Not Start Today

 

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You know, because you really need it to! Instead, after several infuriating, violent turns of the keys, curse the old gods and the new, give up, and hoof it to your nearest bus stop. Hopefully you'll sweat so much on the jog there that the dampness of your face and hair will create the illusion that you did, in fact, bathe that morning.

 

Step 8) Water-Proof Makeup

 

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When you're standing on the bus (there will be no free seats), use this opportunity to apply makeup. You will almost certainly stab yourself in the eye several dozen times, as the bus will go over every possible pothole. This will cause tears of pain to spew uncontrollably out of your eye-holes, but no matter! As long as you've got on tear-proof mascara, you'll show up to work looking like a summer rose. Sure you'll have some retinal damage, but eye patches are actually pretty 'in' right now.

 

 

Step 9) Play It Smooth

 

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When you finally get to work, loudly say "WELP, BACK FROM THE OL' BATHROOM!" to trick those dum-dums you work with into thinking you've been there the whole time. Confidence is key here; give everyone the finger guns, a few high fives, and you've successfully duped them.