The worst part of being a sentient creature living in space is dealing with all the annoying space tourists. With Earth's space tourism programs about to become a reality, you humans will have finally caught up with the rest of the developed beings of the galaxy. A sincere congratulations is in order for making it past shooting monkeys up here and sticking flags in shit. We totally encourage you to visit and expand your universeview past your small and inconsequential world, but here are a few tips to make your visit less annoying for us space locals:

 

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You come into space with these terribly outdated suits and bulky telescopes. If you NEED to wear an oxygen pack, don't wear it around your waist. If you wouldn't wear it on your home planet, why do you think it's acceptable to wear here?

 

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We know you come from a place where you come from everyone breathes oxygen, but in space, YOU guys are the oxygen-breathing freaks. This "oxygen is essential for life" propaganda is insulting to those of us who breath normal gases, like methane and lead. 

 

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Listen, we've heard all about how frickin' awesome Earth is. But for as much as you say how cool "trees" and "water" and "human-life-sustaining environments" are, you sure were quick to destroy them. Save your planet mumbo jumbo for Earth Day, and enjoy your beautiful view of the Orion Nebula.

 

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You may not have the hyperlightspeed technology we do, but please be considerate and DO NOT GET IN OUR WAY. The universe is incomprehensibly large and expanding, but that's no excuse to put your space shuttles two-by-two while attempting to navigate in zero gravity rush hour.

 

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You go to the moon, like, all the time. We get it ... you like it ... it's convenient. But if you're spending all that money to travel, you should branch out of your comfort zone. There's a big whole universe out there to explore, and you've barely scratched the surface of Mars!

 

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I know they SEEM fun, but they are actually just a hyper-dense hole of supercondensed spacetime. It will suck away all your money and also every other part of you.

Thanks for visiting! You've helped us confirm that your species is now fully capable of being conquered!