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Clumsy Drunk is making everybody nervous, and rightfully so. Normally his hiccup-spewing, drink-spilling antics are mildly amusing or annoying at worst, but put him next to a roaring fire and a can of gasoline and suddenly you've got a ticking time bomb on your hands. Right around close-call No. 12 someone better step up and hogtie this doofus to a lawn chair, otherwise you stand to lose a whole lot more than just a night's worth of outdoor fun.

 

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The Pyro is also making everybody nervous, but for different reasons altogether. Whereas The Clumsy Drunk is just too blitzed to know what's happening, The Pyro is actively tempting the fate of everyone in attendance with his increasingly reckless behavior, not to mention wasting all the firewood in the process.

How big a fire does Pyro plan to build? That's easy: BIGGER, even if achieving it means spending five straight hours stacking logs, fanning flames, and making countless subtle adjustments for no apparent reason. Eventually either he'll run out of wood or just tucker himself out from all the busy work he's created for himself unnecessarily, but not before engineering a blaze so scorching no one can sit within 10 feet of the thing and paralyzing plumes of smoke billow out of it like a ray of death forcing any guest in its path to relocate. Speaking of which...      

 

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Most of that smoke is probably going directly into The Complainer's beady eyes, but then again you probably knew that already if you happen to have ears. That's because The Complainer never shuts up about any part of the bonfire experience they find remotely unpleasant, including not only the annoying smoke trail that is apparently targeting them specifically and NO ONE else but also the presence of mosquitoes, the brand of bug repellant you were generous enough to provide, the food, the music, and pretty much any other aspect they can find a way to criticize.

You may feel tempted to give in to The Complainer's constant nagging and change the party's atmosphere to accommodate them accordingly, but don't: it'll only encourage them. Your best bet is just to ignore them, then smile diabolically as they leave two hours early because your shin-dig is "totally lame."

 

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Bonfires are naturally conducive to more in-depth conversations than your typical party scene, but there's a fine line between debating Disney villains and the merits of Christianity. Some bonfire attendees just don't seem to recognize the difference, however, and that's why Dr. Freud over there keeps jabbering on about abortion and politics and a whole bunch of other inappropriate topics without the slightest clue that everyone around them is cringing in silent protest every time they speak.

You can try and play peacemaker if you want, expressing empathy for both sides of each controversial debate your oblivious guest apparently can't help but trigger, but then you'll risk getting sucked in to a heated conversation no one wants to have that could very well end up lasting all damn night. Better to just take a vow of silence and hope your master debater either realizes it's time to shut up or, even better, gets put in their place by a fellow partier.

 

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Alcohol and bonfires go hand in hand, but everyone knows how much alcohol you drink and of what kind are choices for you and you alone. Well, almost everyone. Peer Pressure Guy never got that memo, apparently, because otherwise why else would he be going around handing all your guests shots of Everclear they never asked him to pour and aggressively pestering them to bong a brand of beer they may not even like?

Don't worry though: Peer Pressure Guy will eventually get the hint, at which point he'll have no choice but to either tone it down or to drink all the alcohol he prematurely poured by himself. Then he's bound to either pass out right there on the ground or, worst case scenario, stumble around like a drunken fool for everyone's amusement the rest of the night (see: The Clumsy Drunk).

 

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Better start brainstorming excuses now, because unless your "bonfire" is just you and a friend huddling around a candle in complete silence, at some point your fun-hating Mr. Feeny of a neighbor is going to swoop in and poop the party. Could be the fire, could be the noise, or it could just be the caravan of cars shuffling in and out all night and occasionally blocking your neighbor's driveway, which is apparently a HUGE problem even though we all know the guy hasn't left his house after 10 p.m. on a Friday since 1982.

Actually you may be off the hook this time, because you've been checking your neighbor's house all day and haven't seen any sign of him, so he may be out of town. In fact, come to think of it, NONE of the suspects above have shown up tonight and the party is already in full force. From the looks of it, you may actually get through this entire bonfire without anybody accidentally ruining it, which would definitely be a first. Unless of course...oh God...no, it can't be...

 

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That's it, bonfire's over! EVERYBODY OUT!