Alexander's no good day, as chronicled in the 1972 children's book "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day" and Ice Cube's notoriously righteous day, explored in his 1993 hit "It Was a Good Day" are arguably two of the most famous fictional days of the late 21st century. However, over the last two decades there's never been a thorough side-by-side timeline comparison of these two infamous days: until now.

 

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Ice Cube

Cube wakes up feelin' good, but right away his scenario begs a lot of questions. First what's so great about a sans hog breakfast? Vegetarian? Muslim? The fact that his mom apparently has the niche superpower of transforming bacon into scrambled eggs as per the music video?

Also, why is Cube, twenty-four-years-old and already on his third post-NWA solo album, still living at home? Maybe it would be easier to do some "diggin' out" if you didn't have to keep shushing Kim because mom's doing her crossword in the next bedroom over, and god knows you could hear a pin drop through these walls.

Alexander

Alexander wakes up with gum in his hair and trips on his skateboard. This seems to be less a case of the universe being against him and more a case of "no shit that's going to happen if you go to sleep chewing gum and leave a skateboard next to your bed." 

He's also disappointed when there isn't a prize in his cereal. Guess what? Sometimes cereal is just cereal, and that should be enough -- it's your expectations that are the problem. Up to now, Alexander's no good day is almost completely of his own doing.

 

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Ice Cube

Casting aside the fact that Cube is keeping his stats during a pickup game (and also presumably flopping and vigilantly calls out carries), it's hard to think of a better way to spend a smogless LA early afternoon than playing pickup ball. However, it should be noted that Cube is repeatedly delighted that no one is trying to murder him, which still feels like a pretty low ceiling, as far as good days go.

As things progress, Cube is clearly on a roll. He's destroying all comers at dice and dominoes, the Lakers won, and early '90s favorite Yo! MTV Raps is on. (Sidenote: Is Cube as confused as I was that the show is hosted by someone named Doctor Dre who's an entirely different person than Dr. Dre?) Cube then has sex with a girl he's been trying to get with for some time, although I'll spare you the surprisingly graphic details. 

Alexander

It's becoming increasingly clear Alexander is kind of a dick. He hands his teacher a blank piece of paper, calls it an "invisible castle," and gets mad when she doesn't think he's some kind of boundary-pushing Robert Mapplethorpe. He also gets upset when there's no dessert with his lunch, and then again when his dentist finds a cavity. However, he never for a second thinks that maybe it's his attitude that lunch should be a non-stop cookie parade that has led to said cavity.

Later, he gets pushed into the mud and called a crybaby, which is kind of messed up. Although it could be related to the fact that he's going around wafting a King Joffrey-like aura of entitlement.

 

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Ice Cube:

Here's where things go south for Cube in a hurry. He's driving super drunk, which is a bummer. He also claims that the Goodyear Blimp is displaying the words "Ice Cube's a Pimp," which either means he's either hallucinating from some bad chronic, or he has actually commissioned the display, which is all at one hugely egotistical and sad. 

In the video, he's attracted the attention of every cop in LA, including police helicopters. This could be an extension of the hallucination, or simply the result of driving around deliriously high on his own ego, Fatburger, booze, and chronic. Either way, the end of the day raises some serious, Usual Suspects-like questions about the narrative that's been presented.

Alexander

Alexander is awash in first world problems. He has lima beans for dinner, he hates his pajamas, and he has been subpoenaed in relation to an insider trading investigation his cat doesn't want to sleep in his bed. 

He then says he wants to move to Australia, to which his mom replies "Bitch, you think moving to Australia's going to solve all your problems? Be happy I'm not letting you eat yourself into a diabetic coma and go to sleep," although I'm paraphrasing a bit here. He's satisfied by this explanation and goes to sleep, surely visualizing how he can continue to slowly crush the spirit of everyone around him tomorrow.

 

 

Better day overall: Alexander. I'm looking at the long game here. Ice seems content to skate by rent and hog free, whereas Alexander is getting life lessons all over the place. Although the fact that his dickish behavior clearly continues in the sequel "Alexander, Who's Not (Do You Hear Me? I Mean It!) Going to Move" is cause for some concern.