By Caldwell Tanner
What Every High School Sex Conversation Would Sound Like if Slang Didn't Exist
1. Two young teenage guys, Tavis and Bard, are chatting in a locker room. Tavis is a cool bro, while Bard is a bit of a nerd.
Tavis: Yo dude, did you hear about Todd Murphy?
Bard: No, what?
2. Close on Tavis.
Tavis: Apparently Catherine Pelman put her mouth over his genitalia and slid it up and down the shaft, thus stimulating it until the point of ejaculation.
3. Close on Bard.
Bard: yeah right, Catherine would never do that.
Tavis: Uh, she totally would, dude. Ever since she underwent menarche, her social behavior have been driven purely by hormonal impulses. I heard she even let Doug Trimpmen insert his hand into her vaginal cavity so that he could manipulate her clitoris in the hope of inciting orgasm.
4. Tavis ties his shoe, Bard sits on a nearby bench.
Bard: No way.
Tavis: And that's not all. Two months ago...at Tyler Plundy's lakehouse, her hymen was partially punctured by a male's penis glans.
5. Closer in on Tavis and Bard.
Bard: Holy shit are you saying...
Tavis: Yeah dude. She straight up copulated.
6. Wider version of the original shot, Bard looks stunned. Everyone is growing up so fast and he isn't sure how he fits into all this.
7. Tighter shot of Bard and Tavis.
Bard: The mere thought of that has caused my penile shaft to became fully engorged with blood.
Tavis: Haha. Nice.