I know a lot of you are excited to be here, but before we enter Shaq's crib, I want to reiterate that our first goal for today is to catch Mr. O'Neal incriminating himself on camera. If that doesn't happen, then sure, we can focus on making it the best possible episode of MTV Cribs. I'm just a little worried that since we've had you all go undercover as crew members for the show, you've become more interested in crafting a quality TV program than catching celebrities breaking the law. The show is a ruse to get these people to feel comfortable admitting their crimes, it doesn't work if you also fall for the ruse. That negates the ruse.
You all know what I'm talking about. Last week when Gene Simmons revealed his smoking lounge was packed full of illegal Cuban cigars, everyone should have immediately tackled him. Instead what happened was Tracy shot B-roll, Mark focused on keeping his boom mic out of the frame, Alex bounced the light, and Brad added more Sun Chips to the snack table. That table had plenty of Sun Chips! The second we see they're doing something illegal, stop filming and arrest them. I don't care if we are losing daylight, or if it's going to make us fall off the shooting schedule.
I'm busy pretending to be a director in the van, I can't be running in there and handcuffing Mark Cuban for his military grade helicopter that shouldn't be available to the public. That's your job, everyone! I'll admit those scenic mountains behind the helipad created a perfect shot that our film professor at the police academy would've loved, but the fact that we let Mr. Cuban get away with his crime just so he'd give us permission to air the footage still keeps me up at night.
Plus, when I'm up at night, I can't help but gaze at the TV Guide awards we've won for MTV Cribs. Of course, I'm proud of them, but I'd be even more proud if there were some police awards to go with them. Yet that's never going to happen unless we actually arrest one of these celebrities.
Now, our pre-production intel claims that Shaq has 8 species of exotic fish in his football shaped aquarium that are not legal in the United States. I don't know why a basketball player has a football shaped aquarium, but that's not the illegal part so I'm not focusing on that. I'm sure he'll have a funny comment about it that will really make him more personable to the audience, but that only matters if the intel is wrong and we don't send him up the river for fish crimes.
If the intel is right, we nab him right away. No waiting for him to say the Cribs "This is where the magic happens" catchphrase, or for him to put his own spin on it by saying "This is where the Orlando Magic happens." No, everyone drops what they're doing and draws their weapons since there's no way we're going to be able to tackle Shaq unless he wants us to. He's a 7'1" behemoth. Fine, Mark get a longer boom mic, but also make sure you have your badge this time. Your police badge not your TV crew union badge. I can't believe they gave you a badge for that.
What? It doesn't matter if the camera breaks when you go to arrest Shaq, Diane. You're a policewoman who dabbles in cinematography, not a cinematographer who dabbles in police work. Though that is a good idea for a show, if we ever get time for a side project that doesn't also have us upholding the law.
Okay, well I was told to ring the doorbell at exactly 10:00 AM Eastern Shaq Time, which I assume is the same as Eastern Standard Time just a lot taller, so we better get started.
I can feel it, guys. Today is the day we finally bring someone to justice. It took the ruse seven seasons, but a good ruse can't be rushed. I can't wait to hand this law-breaking scum his $80 fine from the Fish and Wildlife service. In fact, I bet the look on his face when he finds out what's really up would make pretty great TV. Now I see why the FBI created Punk'd.