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    Thanks - You care so little about the message that you just sent that you decided to shorten a two-word sentiment that would only express gratitude to someone for doing absolutely nothing anyway.

 

·      Thanks! - Oh, goodie! You're too lazy to type two goddamn words AND you're enthusiastic.

 

·      Many thanks - You tried to one-up everyone else but you stopped caring before you could even finish writing "thank you." Nice try, kiss-ass.

 

·      Thank you - Finally, someone with the decency to type both words! It's too bad that the Craigslist buyer you're corresponding with is planning on taking out both your kneecaps with a 9 iron and grabbing your iPad Mini without paying anyway.

 

·      Thank you! - Okay, buddy, settle down.

 

·      Thank you for your time - Thank YOU for wasting my time with this five-word e-mail signoff.

 

·      Thx - Aw, how cute, a 10-year-old girl with a Gmail account!

 

·      Regards - You weren't positive, but you were pretty sure that the person you e-mailed either has a terminal illness or recently had a death in the family. Either way you don't actually give a shit.

 

·      Cordially - Oh, wow! I didn't realize you were fucking royalty! Permission to kick you in the balls, your highness?

 

·      Until next time - Let me guess, you decided to put off college for a 15-year comic book reading session in your parents basement.  Well, guess what nerd? Wearing a cape makes you look like a total loser, even your parents think so. Also, you're not Bruce Wayne, because if you were, you wouldn't have written a fucking e-mail; you would have had Alfred do it for you, and he would have signed off with "Cheers."

 

·      Cheers - You're either Alfred, British, an alcoholic or a complete asshole.

 

·      Looking forward to hearing back from you - God, you're lonely.

 

·      Be well - Are you implying that I wouldn't be well otherwise? What in the hell makes you so "well" that you have the right to keep reminding other people to "be well" too? I hope you fall down a well you pompous ass.

 

·      Fare thee well  - Who do you think you are? Bob fucking Dylan?

 

·      Yours truly - Aw shucks, you must have mistaken this e-mail for a note in a G.I. Joe Valentines Day card you're planning on giving to your 3rd grade sweetheart.

 

·      Peace - Woodstock was 45 years ago and you smell like B.O.

 

·      Sincerely Yours - So, what, are you like my slave now? Do you think I'm into that kind of thing? Slavery? It's the 21st century, dick. Get a grip.

 

·      Lots of love - Are you coming onto me?

 

·      Ciao - Oh wow, you're sooo cultured! Hey, I was wondering, how do you say "you're a pretentious loser" in Italian?

 

·      Yours in faith - Well now you're just BEGGING for an ass-whoopin'.

 

·      Anything with an emoticon - Grow up... And by "Grow" I mean "eat," and by "up" I mean "shit."

 

·      Best - What, you think you're better than the rest of us? Is that what you're saying? Go to hell.

 

·      Take care - Yeah, I'll take care. I'll take care of that stupid little smirk on your face you pathetic piece of trash.

 

·      Love - Oh, how sweet, you and your spouse keep in touch through e-mail. Hey, I was wondering... what's it like being tied down to a miserably effortless relationship for the rest of your life ya jerk?

 

·      Bye - Ah, shoot, this is ALMOST a good signoff. I mean, It does demonstrate your awareness of the stupidity of e-mail signoffs, BUT it does also show your continuing desire to participate in this ridiculous act. You lose!

 

·      Sent from my iPhone, sorry for the typos - And the award for most hackneyed e-mail signoff goes to... YOU!

 

·      Seacrest out - You nailed it, buddy. Good job.