undefined

Look, scientists, we're all impressed with your ability to keep packing more and more blades into a single razor (not to mention vibrators, lotion-strips, etc.) but come on. To make shaving any easier at this point you'd have to convince our facial hairs to just start killing themselves the moment they sprout. It's time to pat yourselves on the back, congratulate each other on a job well done, and MOVE THE FUCK ON. You did it! You mastered shaving! It took years of work and lots of great ideas but you did it! Way to go! Now what do you say we take some of the remarkable brainpower behind technological advances as revolutionary as the one with FIVE blades and start applying it to stuff that actually matters?

undefined

Doritos tacos? Marshmallow vodka? Pencil shaving Jelly Beans? We've obviously reached the golden age of making food taste however the fuck we want here, so do we really need to keep going? What's your end game, scientists? Food that tastes like love? Bacon-flavored bacon? ENOUGH! At this point all you're really accomplishing is making it harder for obese people to stop doing the thing that makes them obese, and it's got to stop! For the next five years, why don't you all just take a break from working on the next breakthrough potato chip and instead see how those skills you've honed work on something important, like stem cells? Let's see here...rapid acceleration of the evolution of our species or a kooky new snack? GEE I DON'T KNOW.

undefined

It's not that the world could ever have too many roller coasters, just that whoever is coming up with these things is CLEARLY overqualified. Can you imagine the ingenuity required to not only design one of these behemoths and make it safe enough to fling human cargo around like ragdolls, but to do it again, bigger and better, year after year? These things just keep getting taller and faster and crazier and IT NEVER, EVER STOPS. If the people in charge of this shit don't find something more challenging to focus on soon, the next time you go to a theme park there'll just be a catapult waiting to launch you into orbit the second you enter. Meanwhile, other experts who studied the same exact shit in college will still be working on that whole "Mission to Mars" thing that just might launch three decades from now if they're lucky. FUCK OUR LIFE.

undefined

We may never know who first looked at a blender and thought, "Hmm...not complicated enough," but we've officially resolved their concerns. 16 speeds?!? How the fuck did anyone even think of 16 different words for this thing? It's a fucking blade that spins around! That's it! Crush, whip, pulse, frappe...is this an appliance OR A FUCKING THESAURUS?  Now we've got big blenders, small blenders, magic wands, juicers, smoothie-makers, hell we even buy ones specifically for Margaritas and pay twice as much! Maybe it's time we devote a little more effort on developing sustainable clean energy and a little less on Magic Bullet: EXTREME EDITION, what do you think?

 

undefined

It's 2014. Watches are obsolete. WHY THE HELL ARE WE STILL TRYING TO IMPROVE THEM? Is there really a market out there for people who want to access the features on their cell phone but are too lazy to reach ALL THE WAY IN THEIR POCKET to pull them out? And even if so, even if there really are people out there who want to walk around with two practically identical devices mere inches away from each other 24 hours a day, is a technological breakthrough that small even worth the effort to obtain it? In other words, even if some genius does create the most amazing "smart" watch ever conceived, isn't it obvious no one is going to give a shit about it five years from now when something way cooler comes out? Why not just start working on THAT thing now? YOU REALIZE WE STILL DON'T HAVE HOVERCRAFTS, RIGHT?

undefined

There's nothing wrong with spoiling your dog but when pet care becomes so important we have smart people sitting in a room somewhere trying to figure out how to infuse more antioxidants into puppy chow YOU CROSS THE LINE. Those are people that could be curing cancer or saving kids in Africa or something; instead they're using their precious mental gifts to give Fido an extra 6 months at the end a life that's already been artificially extended thanks to science. That's not to say our dogs don't deserve nutritious food, just that the advancements we've already made should be more than enough to suffice. It also bears pointing out that your dog is going to be perfectly happy whether you feed him filet mignon or a piece of his own poo, that he's AN ANIMAL, and that almost a billion ACTUAL HUMAN BEINGS in the world are currently malnourished. Priorities, people!  

 

undefined

If you're a scientist and you can't find something more productive to do with your life than study the taste preferences of horses or gather conclusive evidence that going bald really is depressing, MAYBE YOU'RE IN THE WRONG FIELD. Here's a study worth pursuing: what happens when all the scientists use their knowledge to solve ACTUAL PROBLEMS and not just dick around because they can? The study starts now and NEVER ENDS. Can't wait to see the results! Sincerely, EVERYONE IN THE WORLD.