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Whoa -- that thing that came out 10 years ago is now 10 years old? Holy shit. I was hoping time had somehow shifted into a circular, dimension-bending Mobius Band and we were all aging in reverse.


Eternal Sunshine
came out in 2004??? Perhaps we ARE all mortals who are by definition aging.

 

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Everyone already knows that McDonald's is basically painted plastic in the shape of actual food, and anyone choosing to eat McDonald's doesn't care. Also, many foods with natural ingredients decay in unexpected ways. Also we've literally seen videos of this every single month for the past 3-5 years of internetting and it shouldn't shock anyone anymore. Also, fries are tasty.


Fortunately, I'll stick to BURGER KING which (because I have not seen any time-lapse Youtube uploads to the contrary) I can only assume is extremely healthy.

 

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"You'll NEVER look at Pulp Fiction the same way after reading this!"


I assure you that I will. Because I read this article two months ago, and two months before that, and every two months for the past five years, with different titles and pictures of Uma Thurman making a "Huh?" expression as though she is learning information from the article.

"I see. BUT! You'll NEVER look at Kill Bill the same way after reading this OTHER article!!!"

 

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"23 Things Only People Who LOVE Chocolate Will Understand!"


Yes, that's everyone. Literally every person. The friend who shared this doesn't possess some transcendent notable quality because finding M&Ms in the office kitchen makes them as excited as that GIF of Jonah Hill freaking out.


Also, if for some reason I actually did NOT enjoy the thing, I still possess the mental capacity to UNDERSTAND what it would be like to enjoy that thing. I'm not just baffled by words and concepts.


"YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE: 23 Things Only People Who LOVE Music Will Understand"

 

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Please stop presuming that: 1) I'm an idiot, 2) I still don't know the definition of "literally" or "ironic" after seeing everyone on the internet constantly mess it up and everyone else constantly point out that they've messed it up, and 3) I can't wait to share recycled pseudo-content to prove to my Facebook friends that I'm "such a grammar nerd!!" (Besides, everyone on Facebook already knows I'm a super ultra cool-ass Jock).

 

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"You won't BELIEVE what Budnick from Salute Your Shorts looks like now!!! UHOH!"


Yes, I will believe it. Time passed and he took one bad photo. What are we doing here?

 

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"We Asked This 92-Year-Old fundamentalist preacher who runs an ultra-radical sect of 7 other 92-year-old dudes what he thinks about gay marriage... and the answer will SHOCK you."


WHOA, I wonder what he said!!! Is he PRO or AGAINST??? Let's definitely keep giving attention to really-super-obviously-wrong people then acting righteously shocked by them.

 

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"We gave typewriters to these five-year-olds and they tried to use them to PICK THEIR NOSES!!! Don't you feel OLD??"


Huh? No. They're children who don't know how to do things. Everyone has to be taught what stuff is. What is this proving?


"We threw a SEGA GENESIS at this BABY'S HEAD and the baby was like 'goo'. UHHOHHH!!! We're all SO OLD ;-) "