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And God/Kirk Herbstreit spoke these words: I am the Lord your God, who brought you here from the summer, when there was no football and you got so bored you almost started following baseball.

 

1. Thou shalt have no other Gods before me, except that tailback who runs a 4.3 forty and, of course, Nick Saban.

 

2. Thou shalt not make idols.  Thou shalt instead make Bloody Mary's and Jungle Juice with which to get thy drink on.  Thou shalt also use thy girlfriend's purse to sneak some booze into the stadium.

 

3. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Lord in vain.  No matter how hung over thou art, thou shalt wake up early and start drinking immediately.

 

4. Remember thy Sabbath Day, to keep all thine friends abreast of how wicked-sweet your tailgate is via Instagram, Twitter, and Snapchat.  Stay classy, though.  Thou shalt not photobomb thy neighbor's selfie. 

 

5. Honor thy father and thy mother by dancing on the bed of a stranger's pick-up truck and, later, by vomiting in a port-o-potty.

 

6. Thou shalt not murder.  However, in that bowtie and those seersucker pants, thou shalt be "killing it."

 

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery, and thou definitely shalt not entertain the notion that the Big Ten even compares to the SEC.  That's straight up blasphemy. 

 

8. Thou shalt not steal unless thy car battery dies and thou needs to steal someone's generator to pump thy jams.  How canst thou properly tailgate without Journey: Greatest Hits?

 

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.  But if that football hits your car ONE MORE TIME....

 

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's WiFi-enabled RV or his badass professional-grade smoker even though that brisket smells effing delicious and all you've got is a measly camp grill and a few puny hamburgers.  Just walk over to thy neighbor and offer him a beer.  He'll probably give thou all the brisket thou wants.