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Starbucks is not a sit-down restaurant. When it's your turn to order, you're supposed to know what you want, not act like you were just beamed in from outer space.

"Welcome to Starbucks. What can I get started for you?"

"Oh! Who me? WHERE AM I? Hmm. I didn't realize this line was leading someplace. What would you recommend?"

I'll tell you what they would recommend. Order a scalding hot coffee and dump it on your head. It'll be fun. Like a reverse ALS bucket challenge, where hopefully you die. I nominate you, unprepared Starbucks patron.

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We can all agree that Starbucks doesn't always play the best music, unless you like terrible covers of Bob Dylan songs on a loop.But the Starbucks soundtrack is innocuous. It's just part of the ambiance and for the most part it goes unnoticed. Kind of like your sad uncle at Christmas eve. You get used to it. 

Unless you're a dick. Then, you hear the Starbucks music and you think, huh. I have better music than this on my phone. I should play it for all these innocent people in order to demonstrate that I obviously have better taste than the Starbucks Corporation. So you blast some Skrillex. Or Eminem. Or, if you're really a dick, you put on last night's episode of Game of Thrones and yell out spoilers as you watch.

 

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Discussing how many calories are in the baked goods at Starbucks is like taking note of every brain cell you lose when you're out drinking with your friends. ("Shot! Shot! Shot! Oh! There goes another memory of my Granny's kindness!") You're not going to stop anyone from indulging as they planned, but you are going to make that indulgence much less satisfying. No one is deluding themselves into thinking Starbucks offers healthy food, but that doesn't mean we want to know exactly how fat that tasty treat is making us. Seriously. Stop. You're ruining cake pops for everyone.

 

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There are some basic rules that should be followed at the Starbucks condiments bar. First, move quickly. The milk area is not a place for itinerants or lay-abouts. Pour swiftly or don't pour at all.   

Second, don't be a spiller. If you can't handle putting the finishing touches on your coffee, you've had too much coffee already, or you're too young or old to be drinking it.

Finally, don't be a hog. The milk bar is long and skinny, and should be thought of like a conveyor belt. If you need sugar, stand in front of the sugar. If you need milk, stand in front of the milk. If you need a firm slap in the ass, keep dawdling.

 

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Some Starbucks patrons were apparently never taught that poop goes in the potty. That's probably why, about ten percent of the time you enter a Starbucks bathroom, there is poop on the walls. Sometimes it's an emergency, sure. You dart in there, you unbuckle and you hope for the best. But more often than not, it appears that rather than being victims of an unexpected explosion, the perpetrators of this offense are aspiring artists of some kind. They close their eyes and spin around in circles, hoping to make some sort of Jackson "Poolock" on the wall. It's disgusting, it's stinky, and, like much of Pollock's work, it doesn't really make any sense.