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An important step in grounding yourself is by literally throwing yourself to the ground; just try to make sure you don't get any scars that aren't eerily beautiful. Also, try to always be carrying something really fragile or a whole bunch of papers, that way, when you trip, you may indulgently fling them up into the air like a grenade of quirky mayhem.

 

Sure, An average person might try to hold onto these things so as to not to inconvenience themselves or anyone around them but when has finding true love ever been convenient? Plus if the person you're trying to get the attention of helps you instead of "screaming nice one you clumsy shit!" Then that's a tell tale sign they might be the one. Head on over to youtube and search "Sandra Bullock Movie" or "Obese Toddler on Bath Salts" for some more visual examples.

 

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There is nothing hotter than a woman who actually
knows her video games. And I don't mean those fake gamer girls who once touched a gamecube and now think they know fucking ANYTHING. No I mean the girls who own an Xbox instead of a curling iron, a Play Station instead of a mirror, these are the girls who a guy wants to take home to his mother. Prove you can destroy a man's balls in Halo and you'll earn the opportunity to see them in bed.

 

Pro tip: While playing video games try to throw in some sports references, saying things like "slam dunk" or "touchdown" lets guys know you've seen a sports game before. Also don't be afraid to insult them with a phrase like "suck it" or "suck my dick", don't worry, they won't think you're a man or something but they will think that you're one chill bitch.

 

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Men hate children, it's just the law of nature. If it were up to guys they would grow old and alone in their dark wooded dens wearing silk robes watching all of Vin Diesels movies on loop, never having to form an emotional connection with anyone. And, the rare guys who do want kids are often
terrible at taking care of them, leave a guy alone with a baby for ten minutes and next thing you know that baby will be drinking light beer and placing bets at the track. That's why if you're a guy all you gotta do to be prince charming is maybe give your niece a piggyback ride or coach a little league baseball team! Show that, with little supervision, you are able to keep a child alive and not crying for a second! If you can do that biologically all women become more magnetized to your dick because of pheromones or whatever.

 

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Ok so here's what you do: get REAL ugly* during high school, try to acquire a dehumanizing nickname, it doesn't have to be creative, maybe just have everyone refer to you using "it" as a pronoun. Make sure they harp on it enough that teachers accidently but unapologetically refer to you with that name. See if you can be the victim of a traumatic and physically invasive prank, something like getting thrown into the town lake would be ideal. Then become unrealistically hot, like
crazy hot, devote your life to it, never eat cake again and when people ask you why change the subject so they don't know about your past as a loser. Do all of this so when you find someone you want to marry/bang you can reveal your traumatic un-hot past. This fake vulnerability will make you even more desirable, like a hot abandoned baby bird.

 

*Don't actually be too unhot in high school, just a few zits and some unflattering bangs will do the trick.

 

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This one takes some team work but if you're lucky you can pull it off. It's actually quite a simple process: step 1, have no concern for anyone but yourself and your career, which you should liken to a baby but more important than a real baby (especially if you're a woman); step 2, have your dad
eat it. This will both force the person you're interested in to forgive you for what an asshole you've been and trap them into emotionally supporting you during this painful time. All while allowing you to become more emotionally manipulative but permissively so because of this horrible tragedy that you totally didn't plan.