If you're a human being living on Earth, you probably know a bunch of people who are idiots or
whose purpose in existence is, by all indications, to make your existence slightly less tolerable. As with all of life's problems, there is one clear solution: Exotic Pets. I understand that this is self-evident, and the article ought to end here, but for the benefit of less intuitive readers, I'll explain.

Millions of years of evolution have created biodiversity such that there is no situation that cannot be resolved by simply introducing the exact right wild animal. For example, bees have been trained to find bombs, bats have been trained to drop bombs, and dolphins have been trained to deliver bombs --- so really it's mostly for bombs, but there are also practical everyday applications.

Here is a list of jerks you'll meet, and which exotic pet you can introduce to mitigate their heinous presence.

 

 

1. Office Suck-Up

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It's well known fact that people in any position of power are blind to the incompetence of anyone with little enough shame to kiss their ass. Work gets done, and this jackass is always there to absorb credit. Even worse, he's bound to be promoted, and his idiocy will infect the entire workplace from the top down. And he'll think he deserved it!

His Pet: A Crow

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Unbeknownst to many, a crow actually possesses the intelligence and problem-solving abilities of child aged five or six, which is a hell of a lot more than we can say for the suck-up. The crow's surprising ability to solve rudimentary problems should serve as a good contrast. The higher-ups will be forced to admit that a literal bird-brain does it better.

 

2. Pick-Up Artist

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Fresh from a penetrating soak in a tank of cologne, this sack of shit has all but sold his soul in his desperation to get it in. To this guy a woman is essentially a combination of a blow-up doll and a rubik's cube, and he spends entirely too much time practicing the puzzle with his back-slapping forum troll cronies.

His Pet: A Howler Monkey

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The deafening roars of these primates can travel up to three miles, and should be sufficient to drown out whatever nonsense the pick-up artist is regurgitating from 1960s fantasies. It's a pretty terrible noise, but a hell of a lot better than listening to that guy.


3. Instagram Foodie

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Look at this jerk. Maybe he's not inflicting direct harm upon anyone by taking pictures of every goddamn thing he puts in his body, but he's just so damn pompous with his filters and his caption like, 'tgif time for some soul food :-)', seriously fuck that guy.

His Pet: A Grizzly Bear

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These massive killers are known for their insatiable appetites, particularly when food is arranged pretentiously in a picnic basket. The Foodie will be forced to choose between eating in a timely fashion or risking that the bear will devour it. Also maybe the bear will devour him, which is a pretty good fix.

 

4. Aggressive Driver

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This is the kind of asshole who swerves around you like a maniac so that he can do 60 in a 35 just to beat you to the red light two hundred feet away. Like his life is so goddamn important that shaving three minutes off his drive is worth the collective enmity of an entire metropolitan area. Cancer is serious and I don't joke about it and I wish this guy would get cancer.   

His Pet: A Sloth

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Have you ever tried to speed in your car with the placid judgement of a sloth's wizened gaze boring into your soul from shotgun? You just can't do it. It'd be like masturbating in front of your grandma. He might even reach out a tremulous hand and lay it on your shoulder as if to say, "It is not the destination, but the journey."

 

5. Crazy Cat Lady

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Talk about jerks. She's got six cats and she assaults your ears with tales of their adventures like some kind of Korean drama whether you like it or not. You can't even politely remove yourself from the conversation, because she'll just give you that devastatingly lonely smile and say she understands, and you feel so damn guilty because you know her life sucks. You don't become a crazy cat lady if your life doesn't suck. There's only one elegant solution to this problem.

Her Pet: A 13-Foot Alligator

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This predatory reptile will make quick work of her cat infestation and, like wolves at the dawn of domestication, form a lasting bond with its keeper and her endless supply of small, delicious animals. The only thing you have to look out for is that she might become...


6. Grieving Gator Woman

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This jerk has recently lost several treasured companions and is a captive in her own home, and she won't stop whining about it. There's probably nothing you can do about this.