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A large component of physical attraction is olfactory, so you need to make sure that your scent is sexy. Or at least tolerable. Unfortunately, milk, sugar, and coffee all contribute to ripe halitosis, so if you were hoping for a kiss from that coffee date, don't hold your breath. Or do, because your mouth smells like poison.

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Sure, coffee is a great pick-me-up before a test or a long day at the office, but the only thing you're going to be picking up on a coffee date is heart palpitations. Caffeine triggers your stress hormones, which will make you overthink everything and hinder any fun, organic conversation. Trying to look suave is now out of the question. Hopefully, your date gets turned on by the jitters.

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As if your mouth wasn't enough of a problem, now your smile is losing its luster. Of course, drinking one cup of coffee won't significantly yellow your teeth, but it will prove to your date that you don't mind indulging in things that will tarnish your appearance over time. This might sound illogical, but trust me. You'll wish you took my dating advice when your teeth are as off-white as that nontraditional wedding dress you never got to use.

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Dates should be relaxing and fun. Why interrupt that with molten fire liquids? You can try to cool the coffee by taking the lid off, but you can never trust those wobbly coffee-shop tables. You can slurp it, but that sounds gross and you're already gross enough. No matter what you try, you'll still end end up burning your tongue and making your taste buds swell into gritty flesh-sandpaper. It's the worst. 

 

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Every day it's the same. You drink coffee or smoke weed or have a cigarette or swig from a bottle. It's not even interesting anymore. There is no occasion. You just hate yourself. You refuse to accept your natural state, endlessly repressing it with one chemical or another. You've avoided yourself for so long that you've forgotten who you used to be. You wouldn't recognize yourself without some mood-altering compound rushing through your veins, numbing your awareness, blurring your reflection. And to think you want your date to accept you. To love you and quell the emotional burdens of loneliness. How dare you. You aren't prepared to care for someone else. How can you love someone when you can't even stand yourself?

 

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I would write a silly blurb here but what's the use?