Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
How to Drive Yourself Crazy by Skipping a Meal
August 21, 2014
1. Be SLIGHTLY stressed out about not having enough time or money to eat a healthy lunch.
2. Construct a very elaborate rationalization about how you can probably just skip lunch today and be fine. Like, you eat three meals a day. You're eating constantly. Your body probably has so much energy stored up that it won't even notice if you skip a meal this ONE time.
3. Immediately regret this plan as soon as you catch even the faintest whiff of someone else's lunch.
4. Think about having a snack.
5. Nah, you're fine. Snacks are for weaklings.
6. Be very unproductive for two hours.
7. Well, okay. So maybe you're a weakling. That's fine! There's no shame in that.
8. That snack was NOT enough. But if you have more food now, you'll ruin your appetite for dinner and then throw your whole eating cycle into chaos.
9. Man, when did you become your mom?
10. Notice that every task you have to do feels much...harder than usual. Answering an email from a friend? Jesus Christ, who are you, a PUBLIC RELATIONS MOGUL?
11. Hmm. Weird. You've never noticed this before, but everyone you work with is sort of annoying.
12. While complaining to a non-work friend about how annoying everyone at work is being, realize that your non-work friends are all really annoying too.
13. EVERYONE SUCKS AND EVERYTHING THEY DO OR SAY MAKES YOU FURIOUS.
14. Continue stewing in your own frustrated rage, but make sure you DON'T realize it's because you're hungry. Instead, assume it's because you are surrounded by SHIT people, because you had the misfortune of being born into a SHIT family, and now you're doomed to forever attract SHIT friends and loved ones to yourself like flies to...shit.
15. Fall into a deep pit of despair.
16. Continue wallowing in self-pity.
17. Wallow further.
18. Remember that food exists.
19. Realize that food is important and that you should probably eat something.
20. Suddenly panic about the idea of acquiring food, as if it's a brand new mysterious process and not something you've successfully done three times a day for your entire adult life.
21. You definitely don't have the mental wherewithal to cook right now. You could order delivery...or you could go to a restaurant. Deliberate for 20 minutes about which would be faster.
22. Finally decide on one option and get incredibly angry at yourself for having not done it an hour ago.
23. While waiting for your food, accept the notion that SOME of what you're feeling MIGHT be because you're hungry. BUT NOT ALL OF IT. You've uncovered some REAL, DEEP problems with your life that will NOT go away by putting a burrito in your stomach.
27. Whoops! You were wrong. Turns out everything is perfect and nothing will ever be a problem again.
27. Start thinking about what to have for breakfast.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.