A handy step-by-step guide to getting on any network on TV:
1. Be Nonthreateningly Attractive or Canadian.
2. Knock down every wall in existence.
3. Run into an unforeseen problem involving asbestos or a wall that can't be removed.
4. Now you might not hit the arbitrary time window you gave yourself!!! This may be your toughest challenge yet.
5. Whew! Solved The Problem.
6. Put a bowl of green apples in the middle of the refurbished room!
1. Be a Southern Belle / Cancer Survivor / Sleeve-Tattoo-Haver who they BETTER not underestimate!
2. Remind everyone you came here to WIN. Not, like, to hang out in a studio kitchen.
3. [BLEEP!] Your pork loin isn't roasting fast enough and you cut your hand and are bleeding into the ice cream machine which also isn't working.
4. [BLEEP!] It's gonna be tight!
5. Whew! Finished just in time. [BLEEP!] Wipe off your sweaty face with a sweat-covered jar of sweat.
6. Tearfully declare that you're just doing this for your kids and your mother, who are all battling cancer and are also Southern Belles with sleeve tattoos.
7. Ah well, you lost. Sorry, cancer kids. Thank everyone for the [BLEEP]ing opportunity.
1. Take an unreasonably extreme position on an extremely minor news item and kind of yell.
2. Repeat 60-80x per day.
3. Holy Crap, there are still SO MANY hours left to fill. Why are days so long??
4. Mention Johnny Manziel, Tony Romo, Rex Ryan, and LeBron James, regardless of what time of year it is.
5. Say the words "Distraction," "Disgrace," "Elite," "Overrated," and "Johnny Manziel" again.
6. Downplay an absurd rumor by talking about it in-depth for 25 minutes.
7. Remind everyone that "At the end of the day, this is the National Football League."
8. Hooooly shit, still 22 hours left to fill? Repeat from Step 1.
1. Put on a suit and sunglasses.
2. Walk around a beach.
3. Remove sunglasses.
4. Remove suit.
5. Put sunglasses on body and suit over eyes.
6. Walk around a different beach like that.
1. Find a whimsical partner and join your names with a &.
2. Refuse to do Lawyering by the book! Or Crime-Solving or Medicine, or whatever. The important thing is, whatever the book says, do NOT do that.
3. Say some snappy quips to guest stars that people get to see in commercials during Law & Order episodes.
4. Now you're on your Sixth Season (???)
1. Be in a city.
2. Wait til a murder crime happens.
3. Make a joke about that dead asshole (in front of his family if possible).
4. While the rockin' credits roll, laugh about your great joke with the other murder police.
5. Get the gang together to solve the murder crime.
6. Get stuck. Looks like you might not solve the muder crime this time.
7. Have something happen in your day-to-day life that breaks the muder crime wide open.
8. Solve the murder crime. Make another joke. That's some good coppin', boys!
1. Take a semi-normal-sounding job.
2. Now perform that job in the DESERT, the ARCTIC, the MOUNTAINS, or an ABANDONED WAREHOUSE HAUNTED BY THE GHOSTS OF PAWN SHOP EMPLOYEES.
3. Add 30+ family members with insane beards who are constantly fighting and subtitled.
4. Throw in a scripted B-Plot where you're skydiving or learning yoga.
5. ROLL CREDITS AND START THE NEXT EP.
1. Stand upright.
2. Face a camera (or a cell phone, or two tin cans with a string tied between them, whatever's handy.)