Oak

You crazy mofo. You live life on the edge, and you're not afraid to show it. You party every Friday night wearing Ray-Bans in your lemon-yellow Prius. Let's face it, all your friends are Sarah McLachlan, and you're fucking Beyonce. Living la vida loca is the way of the oak, so just keep on keeping on. 

 

Cypress

Shy. Reserved. Quiet. But you're secretly great at Yahtzee? That's right, you're a coy goy who loves board games and deciduous trees. You might like to listen to music while staring out the window of public transport, but you can crush your friends at Monopoly if they dare play you. PICK A LESS SPECIFIC TREE NEXT TIME.

 

Big Leaf Maple

Awww. Cheer up, buddy. I know you've gone through a rough time recently, but don't be sad! So your 16-month old Golden Retriever ran away, you caught it, and it ran away again. So what? You've been down, but you can get right back up. And maybe, just maybe, this Big Leaf needs a little love for once. Yah. 

 

Spruce

Spruce could be one of the top ten best coniferous evergreen trees, maybe even top 3. But you must be the opposite of the spruce goose you claim to be. Get off your couch, turn off The Good Wife, and go do yoga or something. For real, you're a little past your glory days and you could lose a few. Download a podcast, buy something protein-y, and go jogging you lazy spruce.

 

Ash

Call it an ash, but we all know we're talking about the fraxinus tree in the Oleaceae genus, am I right?? And as far as tree names being used for Pokemon characters, this one's pretty great. So are you, you frugal sonofabitch. I mean, you just got your paycheck and you reaaaally wanted that artisanal cheese box set. You could be eating up Argentinean Reggianito but you're settling for Muenster? Spend a little, make yourself happy, you scroogey ash.

 

Evergreen

You mother-fucking-communist-racist-liberal-conseravtive-disrespectful-separatist-mafia-neo-socialist-tween-equal-minded-ginger-alcoholic-brazen-eagle-eyed-blue-eyed-Hawaiian-vegan-sexist-Zoroastrianist-hungover-feeble-overweight-underweight-shithole-velociraptor. This isn't even a picture of an evergreen, it's another spruce! Go to heck.