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Hello there! Welcome to my shop. You say you're looking for an antiques store? Well then, you're about to be pleasantly surprised, because you happen to be standing in my erotic antiques store! Most people don't realize we're an erotic antiques store until they see the old, metal Astroglide sign above the counter.

Ah, I see my collection of colonial era dildos has caught your eye. Of course back then they were called "lady pokers." Most of these were crafted in Charleston, but those were for your everday, 18th century masturbator. The real quality phalluses were made in Concord. Those were for the upper crust of society. Martha Washington was rumored to own a Concord made dildo herself.

As you can see they come in wood and plaster. The wooden ones are made for every day use, while the plaster ones were intended for special occasions. They're all in working order, but you do have to be extra careful if you use them. The wood ones have a tendency to splinter and the plaster ones have been known to break off inside people. Back in the 1700s, that could be a death sentence. Thank god for the X-ray!

Over here you'll see my collection of vintage lube from the past two centuries. My oldest one is "Slippery Pete's Rendered Hog's Fat Lubricant and Frying Medium." That dates back to 1834. Then we have a very rare "Standard Oil Intercourse Grade Petroleum Jelly." John D. Rockefeller may have made his fortune in oil, but few people know he got his start as a crooked aphrodisiac salesman. That's the type of fact tasteful history books neglect to mention. 

Well, it's interesting that you should ask that. We actually get around zoning regulations because we're technically an antiques store that happens to sell sex toys. Not a sex shop that happens to sell antiques. It also allows us to be open to all ages. I can't tell you how many horrified families I've seen in here. It has led to some negative Yelp reviews, but we seem to have a small, yet devoted enough clientele of affluent perverts to keep us in business.

Why, there's one of my best customers now. Bill! How are you old buddy? Are you enjoying the jade anal beads you bought last week?

And here it is, the jewel of my collection. From the year 1869, "The Manipulator", the world's first steam powered vibrator. It certainly is a bit unwieldy, and rather frightening looking, but this machine could cut the time it took for a woman to achieve orgasm by 60%. Though the incorporation of steam power did make burn injuries a concern.

So what'll it be today? Nothing? Are you sure? Did you see the Venetian glass cock rings? You did, and they made you highly uncomfortable. Well, I realize our products may seem a bit, lurid, but think of how they'll look in your house. You'd prefer not to? Well, no one can say I didn't try. Have a wonderful day, and feel free to stop by later. Next week we're getting in a shipment of incredibly scarce Amish pornography. It's the only type of pornography where everyone pictured is fully clothed. What a delightful paradox!