Let me start out by saying I'm no expert kisser, far from it. But over the past ten minutes, I feel like I've already acquired a large amount of quality advice that I'm happy to pass along. I'll admit, when I started this little adventure, I was pretty nervous. I know that Katie Boughton has already kissed David Keillor and Mike Carnes, and they've gone on to become really prolific and generally well-respected kissers. I was feeling a lot of pressure to perform well, but it's obvious that the way things are going now I don't have anything to worry about. Just look at me! Kicking away like an old pro. Here are some easy and practical tips and tricks that I've managed to pick up in not even a quarter an hour of lip lashing.
1) Something you might not expect: when you're right up next to her face, it's very difficult to see it. So as you're kissing try to remember what her face looks like. If you can't, no problem, take a little break and stare at her for a while.
2) Kissing is not about power, it's about speed.
3) Don't just let your hands sit limply at your sides. Do something useful with them, like rhythmic drumming or taking a picture with your phone.
4) Flicking your tongue, think snake maybe, is a great way to prevent tongue cramping. Also snakes are just incredibly sexy, because they are so smooth. Really, the more you can make yourself like a snake the better. Start eating your meals in one gulp.
5) This is really important. Make sure you don't say anything unsexy. Best to stick to the basics. Try purring like a kitten or softly speak into her ear, "va va vroom," which is an ancient sexual incantation I once heard on a Subaru commercial.
6) I recommend giving your girl (or guy) a solid nickname. For example, my girl's name is Katie so I'm going to start calling her Crate. This way she'll associate your relationship with something sturdy like a crate.
7) The right music can really set the mood. Try humming something passionate like "O Fortuna" from Carl Orff's excellent Carmina Burana.
8) If you get an erection, don't freak out. Just put a pillow on your lap and tell her it's for her comfort.
9) You're probably wondering whether you should keep your eyes open or closed. This has been the subject of much internal debate during the past several minutes, and what I've found works best is to go half and half. Right eye closed, left eye open. I also tried right eye open and left eye closed, but I preferred the former for obvious reasons.
10) If she has long hair, it's convenient to pull it back in a ponytail so it doesn't get in the way. Remember, let her do it. Girls know how to do their own hair.
11) Girls actually like it when you kiss parts that aren't the lips: neck, ears, etc. So far my only deviation has been the nose. Now, there's no set rule for how far your tongue should go up her nose. Start shallow and let her "guide" you. I imagine every girl is different.
12) When is the right time to have the "boyfriend-girlfriend" talk? You're going to want to wait until after all the kissing is done. Let the dust settle...
Looks like we're just about finishing up ourselves. She seems to be coughing. I'll let you know how it goes. I'd ask you to wish me luck, but when you have skill and ambition in this world, you don't need luck!