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At some point before the current iteration of this godforsaken internet, Music Videos used to be fun three-minute visual mini-stories to accompany goofy three-minute singles that we would watch and enjoy and be like "cool dancing skeletons!" and occasionally rank them in countdowns.


Now, every music video release is accompanied by a subsequent barrage of between 100-200 million thinkpieces, each taking an extreme and often conflicting/contradictory stance on the same goofy three-minute visual, until every frame of every Taylor Swift video has been angrily judged and dissected like some sort of maybe-racist Zapruder film.


I'm all in favor of scanning pop music for deeper underlying serious cultural issues -- and very often, people make interesting, thought-provoking points about mundane-seeming pop culture moments -- but any legitimate points are obscured by this insane avalanche of 57 million freelancers rushing to use Nicki Minaj's ass as a jumping off point for literally any random argument they feel like loudly declaring.

 
That being said, when I finish my 157-page dissertation on the Awesome Implausibility Of The Disappearing Instruments in the Journey "Separate Ways" video, I'll pass that along.



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Whoa, have you guys had Mexican food in Los Angeles? SO GOOD. Mexican food in San Diego? AMAZING. Burritos in San Francisco? AWESOME! Texas?? INCREDIBLE!! New York? DELICIOUS!!! Many Other Places Where Millions Of People Including Hundreds Of Mexican Chefs Live? WHOA!!!


Turns out, more than one region on Earth is capable of combining a bunch of delicious ingredients deliciously! Obviously it's fun to argue and different regions have different culinary quirks and preferences, but there's really no reason we should all be death-shouting at each others' cities RE: Maybe 1%-Less-Delicious Tacos Somewhere.



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"UHGHGHHHHH, it's EARLY NOVEMBER and I'm ALREADY sick of Christmas Carols."


"I don't care what anyone says... I friggin' LOVE Christmas carols. Haha, I know, I'm such a dork, but I just GOTTA admit that!"


"DID U KNOW 'BABY ITS COLD OUTSIDE' SOUNDS SUPER MOLESTEY? Gonna Tweet that joke for the 9th straight year."


Christmas Carols are just, like, inoffensive background things that play in stores and commercials. Is it really worth getting newly furious at them or vehemently defensive about them for the same two months every year? Apparently, yes.



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"AHHHHH, 50 degrees and a crisp breeze. This is my FAVORITE time of year!"


"Ok."


"Gimme a sweatshirt and a pullover and crisp-ass breeze over the stupid beach ANY day!"


"Cool."


"Have I made it clear that I enjoy bad weather over good weather? Pretty interesting, huh?"


"Extremely."



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There's a lot of sports! Some people like some better than others! But which sport is THE BEST sport? Unfortunately, one cannot legally watch a sport they enjoy on television until they've convinced others in their immediate spatial or internet vicinity that the sport they enjoy is objectively superior than the sport the other people enjoy.


Sure, if I were watching an NFL game and it cut mid-feed to the English Premiere League because that had been deemed the superior sport and therefore we all had to watch it, then yeah, I'd understand the raging need to clarify the superiority of a differently-orientated ball-related athletic competition over another. But this rarely occurs.


Frankly, as a hockey fan, I'm tired of showing up to bars with my "Hockey > Football" interactive PowerPoint presentation & accompanying projector every time I want to watch a game. If only there were some way to just shut up and watch a thing?




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WHAT??? Facebook put THAT BUTTON over HERE now??? UUHHHHGHGHGHHHH I'm NEVER UPGRADING. OLD THING 4-EVAAAAAAAA


This DEFINITELY won't be like all those other times a website, app, or OS made a small change and everyone complained then a couple weeks later everything was fine because who gives a shit -- this time it's a REAL PROBLEM.



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Video games are great! Provided you never consider discussing them for one one-trillionth of a second with any individual on or near the internet ever for the rest of your life.


Yessiree. Fun, fun video games. Certainly no alarmingly militant army of pre-pubescent misogynistic shitheads bubbling beneath the surface here. Just a fun way to pass the time ;-)



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The internet's fervor over the annual pumpkin-spiced drinks craze peaked a year or two ago to the point where now everyone's on the same page when it comes to anticipating / being excited about pumpkin spiced drinks and whatnot, but now, that excitement has invited a weird backlash where people ridicule pumpkin spiced drinks and "don't see what the big deal is" and Tweet about all the "white girls LOVING their Pumpkin Spiced Lattes OMG" (because other races don't like pumpkin-flavored things, I guess, is the point?)


Anyway, they're just drinks that taste like a thing, and they're very good. We don't need to form opposing religious factions around them.


SIDENOTE: Last Fall I ordered a Pumpking (they're delicious!) at a bar in Brooklyn, and two dudes at the bar (older dudes, non-hipstery looking) both laughed and made fun of it, and I talked with them about beer for a while and they recommended a "real" beer, and picked some $7 non-seasonal microbrew lager, and I ordered one and it tasted like a completely generic lager, like, basically on par with a Corona or Yuengling or something. The point is, just drink what you like. Also fuck those dudes. "We're so advanced in our beer liking that we've wrapped completely around and now drink boring shitty beers again!" Shut up.



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For whatever reason, there's a new "WHAT IS AND ISN'T A SANDWICH" article on the internet basically every week, with thousands of accompanying comments. I know we're all on this dumbass internet to waste time and debate pointless stuff, but even by internet standards, this debate falls squarely in the "Does This Affect Me Eating This Hot Dog Right Now? No? Cool, Then I'm Gonna Do That" Category. (It's a very specific category).

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Guys, let's be honest: does it really matter which billion-dollar brand you vehemently support? At the end of the day, you have a MAGICAL BOX OF EVERYTHING in your friggin' pocket at all times. It's pretty much just, good.


Unless you have one of those HUGE Samsung Galaxies. Hahaha, what are you DOING with that thing man? AH! AH! I'm kidding! Stop hitting me with your giant hilarious cartoon phone! Shit, my iPhone broke. Dammit dude!


BRB, in another phone-related idealogical deathfight. May or may not return. Thx 4 reading internet thing!



Other things people have way too many opinions about? Leave 'em in the comments!