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Who sings that R&B song that's like, "Ooooh sexy lady, you make me so hot / Let's do it in a cement container of children's urine?" Trick question, there isn't one because GROSS. Even if you somehow found a relatively pee-free and private pool to get nude in, it's weirdly difficult to have sexual intercourse underwater. You can't get any traction. Plus I hear the chlorine turns your pubes green.

 

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Babe, you know what would be EVEN HOTTER than kissing normally? Doing it through a torrential stream of water so we can't breathe EVEN A LITTLE BIT. And while we're basically waterboarding ourselves that way, let's also try to maneuver into an impossible standing-sex position while poised on an extremely slippery surface. (Who needs lube when you've got Mountain Spring scented 2-in-1 hair product for men?!) Will we both fall and crack our skulls open, spilling our brains onto the slick tiled floor? Maybe! The danger is what makes it so SEXY.



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Think about ALL THE BUGS that are outside that are so small you can't even see them. Now think about them crawling inside your genitalia. Are you feeling TURNED ON YET?



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"Awwwww yeaaaahhh, my dick has NEVER been so relaxed. Your muscles super relaxed too? NIIIICEEEEE. Now let's tense ourselves the fuck up and do this before the water gets even lukewarmier."


"I just orgasmed 7 times after the faucet clanged into my lower spine, but I'm just gettin' WARMED UP"



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Having sex in the rain is like having sex outside (see above for reasons why you shouldn't do that) combined with having sex in the shower (see further above for reasons why you shouldn't do THAT). Oh, except for it's also a THOUSAND TIMES COLDER than either of those things. If you have sex in the rain, you WILL get bronchitis and no one will want to have sex with you even again because of all the phlegm you're hacking up.