Guys, I am super excited about a certain little movie coming out this summer called… "TRANSFORMERS". I was really into these when I was a kid. I get a serious boner whenever the trailer comes on TV, and halfway through the trailer, my boner gets a little boner (I call him "Lil' Bones Jr"). Put another way: MAXIMUM EXCITEMENT.**

Anyway, like I was saying, I'm super into this Transformers movie, Michael Bay be damned, but I'm worried that not all of my favorite Transformers will be included – I mean, the movie's only like two hours long, and there are hundreds of different transformer (toys)characters. Here are a few that I'm thinking probably won't make it to the silver screen:

Manholeoctocon – Everybody's favorite Autobot wiseacre, who turns into a manhole cover! What could be more fun?! Nothing! Okay, most things.

Convectionovenotron – This Autobot is part of the mostly unknown "Bakery Series" of Transformers that were made in the late 80's to attempt to draw girls into the franchise. Convectionovenotron is like that Decepticon guy who turns stereo and has a bunch of little robots that turn into cassette tapes… But instead of a sweet stereo boombox, Convectionovenotron turns from a robot into an easy bake oven. Surprise! He sucks. Like this article.

Biscuitron – This delicious Autobot is a robot who takes the form of a tasty buttermilk biscuit. He gets "baked" by Convectionovenotron, and then likes to talk about the fabric of the universe and eat cheetios. Lame? Yes. Delicious? Most certainly.

Seamusotron – This Scottish Decepticon transforms into a giant set of bagpipes. You want destruction? Eat THAT shit, Megatron! POW!!!

Falloutboyotron – A Decepticon, Falloutboyotron transforms from a giant robot into a Fall Out Boy CD, annoying the shit out of the rest of the Decepticons (a lot of the Decepticons secretly really like him, but would never admit it to their Decepticon friends).

Robototron – From the later "Postmodern Series" of Transformers, this Decepticon is a robot that transforms into…Wait for it … Waaaait for it… A BIGGER ROBOT OH SNAPS

Dildotron – This one's an Autobot, obviously.


What's that? Yes, I am classy.


**Sidenote: Whoever came up with the idea of Transformers had to be high as fuck; I mean, cars that turn into giant robots? How could you possibly think of that without huffing Glade? This one time after taking some recreational drugs I thought my lamp was a psychic vampire, but I've NEVER been fucked up enough to come up with anything involving giant robots. Those Japanese must have some quality snuff.