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I know what you're thinking: "You?" Yes, me. You normally wouldn't invite a guy like me to any party--I'm whiny, lanky, allergic to most animals, I overstay my welcome, and I always eat the last of anything. But there's so much
good to me, 10 goods exactly, that'll convince you to invite me to your birthday party.  

 

  1. I can play the following chords on the guitar: G, C, and D. Translation? I'll rock the frickin' house. The girls will go crazy. Have you ever seen backstage footage of a Motley Crue concert? It'll be nothing like that, but I can bring a DVD and we can play it in the background.  

 

  1. I own an Xbox One. My mom says I can't bring it over but you can always come to my place and we can play videogames together (after you invite me to your party, of course). We'll have to take turns though since I only have one controller. Also I lied. It's an Xbox 360.

 

  1. I'll give you my shoes. I know they're goofy, big, wide, and curved on the bottom, but that's only because they were designed by a licensed podiatrist on account of I have oddly misshapen feet. You ever walk on clouds? Because that's what it feels like.

 

  1. I'll let you take hits off my inhaler. Why take hits off a bong when you can have a puff of this sweet, sweet, aerosolized medication? Note that I only deal with the finest inhalers--I'm talking AstraZeneca, Cipla, Merck, & Co., the good shit. Just, don't tell my mom I'm letting you use it, okay?  

 

  1. I own the entire series of The X-Files on DVD. Bro, if you haven't seen the mysteries encountered by FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully, you are in for a treat. We just won't watch past season 7. Also technically they're my stepdad's so we'll have to be really careful with them.

 

  1. I'll bring my hot cousin Sarah. You know who I'm talking about, don't pretend like you've never checked out her photos on Facebook. She lives in Scottsdale but maybe she'll make the trip just for your party? (Keep in mind I said "maybe").

 

  1. I'll show you pictures of my dog, Otis. He died two years ago after eating a box of chocolates my stepsister "accidentally" left out, but they're pretty dope pictures! You'll love them, I promise.   

 

  1. I'll sneak in a couple of Mike's Hard Lemonades, just for us two. It's my mother's preferred beverage and she keeps the fridge stocked with 'em, and never keeps count. Which flavor do you like more, lemonade or strawberry? Text me ASAP so I can snatch them for you!  

 

  1. I'll cry if you don't. I swear to god man, don't make me do that. You'll feel bad, I'll feel bad, and more importantly, I won't bring any of that delicious Mike's Hard. Let's just avoid all that.

 

  1. If you don't, I'll tell my mom who will tell your mom who will yell at you, thereby forcing you to invite me. I didn't want to play dirty, but if you force me to I will. It doesn't have to be like this.    

 

So there you have it, 10 rock solid reasons why you should invite me to your birthday party. I'll let you sleep on it, but I highly doubt you'll take that long after reading this list. Call me.


Please.