College. A time for landmarks and milestones. You see college life in movies and on television and say, "One of these days, that's going to be me." For some of you, it's true. The rest of us--well that's what this list is for.
This is kind of a college cliché--the lazy freshman who rolls out of bed and goes to class in their jammies. That nonchalant attitude was just what you needed to reinvent yourself in college, because apparently nothing says "That's one cool guy" like going to class in a smelly hoodie and even smellier flannel pajama pants. It doesn't even make sense--did you brush your teeth? Eat breakfast? If you had time to put on your shoes and gather your stuff for class and do all those other things then surely you had time to put on a clean outfit, right?? In retrospect, it's good you never did this.
It didn't matter that you were just a kid fresh out of high school, you were going to create something beautiful, something with meaning. By the time you graduated, you were going to have written a novel, or painted a mural on campus, or have your film shown at the film festival. But all you did was write papers for class, doodle in your notebooks, and watch an unhealthy amount of Netflix. You never even once wore your beret.
Ah yes, the mentorship under the wise professor, full of knowledge and advice, guiding you when you needed guidance. You were going to have coffee with this professor regularly, even when you weren't currently taking a class with them, maybe even dinner some time where you discuss your field of study. This was going to be your very own Mr. Feeny, your John Keating, your Ms. Riley, maybe even your Miss Frizzle, for those art and theater students out there. But you can't forge a mentorship with a professor if you skip class, and, you know, sit way in back and never talk. Good luck finding someone to write a letter of recommendation for you post graduation.
The ultimate test of proving your worth. This professor looked down on you since day one, and you would like nothing more than to wow them with your essay, project, presentation, whatever it is. You were going to go head to head against this professor, and at the end of it the whole class was going to cheer you on and you would finally gain everyone's respect. That sounded like hard work though, and like it would take a lot of your time. Eh, there's nothing wrong with getting a C.
Woo! College! Time to party it up like there's no tomorrow. Drink all day, drink all night. Step 1: Get Invited to a Party. Step 2: Well there's no step 2 if you never completed Step 1. Not sure if you know this, but those college parties are preeetty hard to get into if you're not "cool" or whatever. There's nothing more damaging to your pride and dignity than getting denied entrance to a party by some freshman pledging a fraternity you have no affiliation with.
Condoms? Check. Empty dorm room? Check. Partner to have sex with? That, uh, somehow slipped through the cracks. It's kind of hard to do the whole sex thing when there's no one to do it with. Looks like you're on your own. Good thing your dorm had good wi-fi, and even though you were going Hand Solo, you were still considerate enough to leave a sock on the door knob.
You were the youth of the nation. You brought new ideas, new values, and new ethics to a world stuck on old traditions. You were going to fight for the truth, and for justice. You were going to protest the man, fight the system, and use your college degree to change the world. Or you can work for some website or become a DJ. Whichever comes first.
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