Are you looking to write a god-awful screenplay but need a little guidance on how to get started? Here's a handy guide of 12 really useful screenwriting tricks to help you crap out that steamy derivative script-shaped-turd in NO time!

 

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This is a great way to kick off the piece of shit you're writing. Start a scene, then have it turn A LITTLE WEIRD, then just completely wow the audience by revealing that the whole thing was a dream. Quickly cut to the main character waking up, sweaty and in shock, jolting forward in their bed like you do when you wake up from a dream.


For bonus shitty points, have that exact dream scenario play out later in the movie, just like how in real life when you dream about stuff it usually ends up happening.



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This is an excellent catch-all line that can be used in any situation in any film. If you're ever stuck about what a certain character should say, just keep this phrase on your clipboard and Control-V it right into your script. Problem solved!


Still have doubts? It already worked for
every other movie ever!



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What if someone "twerks" to "Turn Down For What"? Not only hilarious today, but it'll be even MORE hilarious in 5 years once this script's been sold, developed, greenlit, shot, and released! (Which it definitely will be, with jokes like that.)


KEEP AN EYE ON: The word "Selfie" in about 1.3 years.



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"Mr. Gorbachev...tear down this wall!"
(Then cut to the Moon Landing happening while Nixon resigns). Now people will know that your shitty script takes place during important history, so it's fucking legit. Adults in the crowd will be like "I recall that event" and like it.


For added shittiness, constantly have the characters tell each other that "times are changing." Or throw in some winking foreshadowing about stuff that we (in the present) know happened, like having someone say "This Beethoven kid will never amount to anything!" or "You sure are a nice young man, ADOLF HITLER... so far, at least" and look into the camera while a music sting plays.



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This is usually preceded by "No, you don't understand!" and followed by a character chasing the other out of the room trying in vain to explain something. This is conflict, which is important.



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So you want to make it clear that one guy is "bad," but you don't want to be TOO obvious and have him slap The Pope with a baby and have an onlooker declare "you are a BAD character"?


One subtler way to show that someone is "bad" is by having them be really really rude to a waitress. Like, "This isn't bottled water you MORON!" (then they throw the water at the waitress). Then later people try to go dancing in the rain and he's like "Ugh. No thanks." Now viewers know that this guy isn't good, without you having to spell it out TOO much!