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That would suck! You'd perpetually feel like you have to go to the bathroom forever and you couldn't because you'd just have this enormous snake there instead of functioning genitalia.

 

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Sure, a lot of women dig guys with large penises, but if your dick were a literal anaconda, it would be way TOO big, plus it would be a snake and not a penis so you wouldn't be able to use it for intercourse anyway. Double whammy.

 

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You think your pants are tight after Thanksgiving Dinner? Try having a 25-foot-long carnivorous snake where your dick is supposed to be! Can you say...uhhh...SWEATPANTS?

 

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Anacondas eat "rodents, fish, birds, turtles, and larger mammals," and sometimes take "several weeks or longer" to digest their prey. Have fun routinely shopping at pet stores under false pretenses then cramming live turtles into your new dick!

 

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When your anaconda-dick dies, does it revert back to a regular dick? The rules of this are unclear. So, best-case scenario, you get your regular dick back after 15 years. Worst-case scenario, you have a dead anaconda corpse hanging off your crotch for the rest of your life, and still no dick. Is that a gamble you want to take? NO THANKS.

 

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Good luck with that!

 

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Hey, check out my cute new French Bulldog, Peppy! UHH-OHH! I forgot my penis is a huge snake now and it totally just tried to constrict Peppy to death. Then I punched my snake and yelled "NO" except it's still technically my dick so that really hurt. Really between a rock and a hard place here.

 

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This problem could be circumvented by just not sending anyone dick pics, which is really just good advice in general, but especially good advice when you're living with this incredibly specific reptilian curse.


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Clearly, some sort of horrifying magic must be involved. What are the other implications of this knowledge? Can this magic be used for good as well? Perhaps, to help people suffering from illness? Or is this a universe where literally everything else is exactly the same, except the magic to turn someone's penis into a massive generally-dick-shaped reptile specifically exists?

 

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That said, if you DO find someone with the requisite buns who's REALLY open-minded and willing to listen, then best of luck to you!

 

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