I recently complained about 10 Topics People Have WAY Too Many Opinions About. This tour-de-force internet piece won 7 Pulitzers and now no one is unreasonable about any of those things anymore.

However, in the interest of fairness and full disclosure, and in solidarity with anyone else out there who's constantly bothered by really dumb trivial crap (which is all of us), here is a list of 10 even-more minor things that I personally have WAY too many opinions about:

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There's nothing quite like an obscure 7-minute ballad that also somehow has 5 guitar solos to bring a fun night of karaoke to a screeching, awkward halt!

I don't get bothered when people are bad karaoke singers; getting drunk and singing shitty is the entire reason karaoke exists. I DO get bothered, though, when people don't put thought into their song choice, because it's not that hard -- just pick something you reasonably know, that isn't super long or boring or full of words that might be awkward for a person of your particular race to sing, and if you're in a rented room, don't sing like four songs in a row.

Also, don't forget:

- Every rap song has like 11 verses you've never heard before. ("Ice Ice Baby," for example, is actually 537 verses long)

- Every Guns n' Roses song is 4 minutes longer than you think. If you pick "Paradise City," have fun staring at the words "GUITAR SOLO" slowly turning yellow.

- If you pick "Santeria," get ready for everything to get awkward when you kinda half-sing the "SMACK HER DOWN" part!

 

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We all love our own specific toppings, but when you're ordering in a big group, there's nothing more pointless than delaying the pizza order while everyone breaks into individual topping-factions and tries to convince other people to get on board with their dumbass 'Mushroom' idea so they can convince the orderer to change one of the three pizzas to 'Mushroom' so they can get exactly what they want even though this causes the plain and pepperoni to run out instantly and everyone reluctantly picks at the cold mushroom pizza while passive-aggressively stink-eying the 'Mushroom' lobbyist.

Ordering pizza shouldn't require quorums or filibuster procedures. Everyone will be happy in a half hour when they're EATING PIZZA.



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Before you reply-all to an email thread (unless it's just a couple friends of yours), ask yourself: Would I think this response is funny and necessary for everyone to hear if someone else sent it? The answer, almost always, is no.

Also, Companies: It's VERY panic-inducing to suddenly see 27 new unread work emails, only to quickly learn that someone you've never met in some marketing wing got promoted and dozens of other people you also don't know are relentlessly replying-all "Congrats!" to a company listserv that somehow includes every employed human in the Western Hemisphere.

Someday, God willing, I hope to possess the blind confidence of someone who can indescriminately blurt out "Yippee! :-0" to thousands of strangers, but until then...



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I'm generally a very calm person when I'm not watching sports, playing video games, or on / anywhere near the internet, but for some reason -- and I'm hoping this is biological -- nothing makes me INSTANTLY lose my shit faster than someone else who I'm driving somewhere criticizing something I did. Even if it's as simple as a jokey "Whoa, haha!" when you brake slightly too hard, it's instantly maddening and usually makes me counter-yell at the passenger with WAY-overly-disproportionate anger. But it feels necessary.

Ahh that reminds me, should probably try to get back on speaking terms with my mom.



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How hard is it to form an orderly line and then stand in it? If you're any country besides the U.S., U.K., or Canada, apparently it's FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE AND UNTHINKABLE.

Nothing makes me more instantly and militantly patriotic than being in a place where people feel no social obligation to form simple lines and wait for shit. And in the U.S., at least when some dick cuts a line, everyone in the line knows that guy did something wrong, it's not just some big dumb elbowy freeforall to like, get on a not-that-crowded train.

(Also, has anyone been to the Middle East? HOLY SHIT people cannot form lines there. I'm pretty sure that's the "turmoil" everyone's talking about when they refer to that region)