You spend the first month jabbering on to your friends about all of your responsibilities, down to the most mundane. I.e.: "I just have to make sure the trash is left out really neatly out front. We've had cops talk to us about keeping it contained in the past, so it's like, super important." Eager to impress your new bosses, you arrive to work five minutes before you are supposed to be there, just to get yourself set up and prove your dedication to the job.
Nobody notices how early you've been getting in, they just notice that you've arranged the pamphlets in the break room differently and no offense, but they hate it.Your boss calls you by the wrong name for the fourth time, so your co-workers just adopt the wrong one to stay consistent with him. You begin each day skimming online articles reassuring you that the first month of a new job is the most difficult, and that the more you cry in the bathroom, the more impressive your work will become.
You start opting out of the meetings you get invited to by the higher ups, preferring to have the office to yourself for your daily Craig's List "gigs" search. Maybe you should consider working as an extra somewhere? You spend as much time as possible out of the office on mundane, non-essential trips to Staples "for your department" to get away from it all. The interns start assuming you are also an intern. You have figured out how to nap with your eyes open. Or, you haven't, but you don't care if anyone sees you napping.
You've run out of deodorant, so you add a trip to CVS to your to-do list. It stays unchecked on the list forever, right next to 'urgent - respond to boss' email regarding my illegal video streaming'. Also unchecked forever is "dry cleaning" and "laundry". Weekly trips to KMart for Joe Boxer cotton briefs replace your spin cycle. You can forget about cleaning your bigger clothes because those will cost more money at the laundromat anyway. Not worth it.
You avoid the coworkers who used to invite you out to lunch, choosing to spend the majority of your time at work taking smoke breaks with the guys who run the freight elevator. They teach you how to say "cunt" and "you can really go fuck yourself" in Russian. You ask the janitor if he wants to trade jobs on the sly. He laughs uncomfortably because your choking sobs make it clear you aren't joking.
When your boss chastises you for coming in late consistently, you reply "yea, yea, yeaaaaaaa" and roll your eyes, leaving his office while he's mid-sentence. Your morning routine includes an attempt to initiate a game of hide and seek every morning. You ask your supervisor to bring in his kids to play. You emit despondent, guttural groans of misery as you ride the elevator each morning, yet aren't concerned with becoming the "disgruntled girl in the elevator" to others.
You hide all those crazy habits, and find yourself gainfully employed at another, way better and cooler company who will totally "get" you!
(Refer to Stage 1, repeat)