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People love the way the top of a baby's head smells.  That shit goes away.  No more natural musk fans over hear sniffing at my crown.  Nobody wants to smell my crown.

 

 

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A baby can relieve herself anywhere.  When I was a baby, all I had to do was go about my business, do my business, and within some length of time, be whisked off, scrubbed down, and returned to my play kitchen.  Now, I can't even poop in the ladies bathroom at work.  I'm too afraid.  I miss the fearlessness of being a shitting baby.  True fact, I told my mother I missed my diapers when they were retired, and would behave as if I had them on when at birthday parties.  Couldn't miss a second of beasting on cake to pee somewhere other than in my pants.

 



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Two words.  Pre-Mastication Moms.  Nowadays, mothers chew their baby's food for them.  Cher from Clueless does that for her baby.  I can count on two hands the number of times my  jaw has tired from a session of futile chewing.  What a waste of energy.  Let that work be done for you!  Be a baby!  The best bet in recieving this treatment is to be a baby bird, but plenty of human moms are weird enough to spit out chewed up food into their beloved's mouths.

 

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Even if you're an ugly baby, people still think you're cute.  

You never overhear anyone saying, "Oh, but that baby has the best personality" in referencing an ugly baby.  People sometimes like the baby more if its unconventional looking (aka ugly).  This lasts until its obvious that Cameron's little tummy isn't baby fat, but the fat of an obese toddler.  And that her face is busted ugly for a four year old.  Four is not a baby.  Aka not cute, just ugly now.

 

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There is someone there to make sure you never choke, or fall down off a high platform, or crawl yourself into oncoming traffic.  Now, nobody is gonna stop me when I crawl into oncoming traffic.  I know this for a fact!

 

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Trying to take a bite of food, and miss your mouth?  Don't be embarrassed, not when you're a baby!  My cousin never got more than a fork covered in sauce into his mouth when he tried to eat.  He choked on a full slice of bacon and then four days later a full slice of pizza.  Straight into his mouth, unchewed.  Ready to block all breathing.  Not only did his life get saved both times, nobody even blamed him for being such a complete idiot.  

 

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Sweatpants all day.  Everybody knows all of those little baby clothes, even the little jeans and shoes made to look like they are worn by real humans, are actually really stretchy.  Babies are never not in stretch pants.  Most of their shoes are really  just socks with some sturdier material.  It's like Pajama Jeans aren't even embarrassing when you're a baby.