Dear Mr. Worfstein,


Thank you so much for your letter to the Guinness Book of World Records. We appreciate your enthusiasm about being considered for the following records. Unfortunately we are going to have to reject the following record proposals. We have put our reasoning in parentheses.


  • Nicest hair (Subjective)

  • Wettest hair (This changes constantly)

  • Sickest kickflip (Subjective)

  • Longest fingernails (They are not very long at all)

  • Most Dave Matthews Band songs listened to (No way to confirm)

  • Most fun had at the beach (Subjective)

  • Most fun had playing Halo (Subjective)

  • Biggest wanger (Not the technical term/no photo evidence--but I am NOT asking for that)

  • Most guitars tried out at Guitar Center (No way to confirm)

  • Most times totally owning my bud Kyle (No way to confirm)

  • Most times totally fingerblasting Julie in high school (Disgusting)

  • Most times quoting Step Brothers in freshman year (Stupid)


However, we do have some good news. We will be accepting the following proposal and entering you into the Guinness Book of World Records:


  • Chillest pet iguana (Yooooooo SO SICK)