We all know how the old legend goes: every year, on All Hallow's Eve, pale faced boys emerge from their basements anew, amid a mist of Cool Ranch dust. They come ready to mate with the hottest member of every "Sexy Rugrats" group costume they can find. However, in order to fulfill their prophesy, these men must camouflage themselves if they hope to win the heart/panties of every big breasted Tommy Pickles in the land.

 

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Let's just get this one out of the way. No one is getting out of Halloween 2014 without encountering at least one Ray Rice Jersey clad white dude. This bro will selflessly dedicate his entire night to educating people on the dynamics of a joke and how those less fortunate than him might be able to achieve a sense of humor. Thank him for his service by unfriending him on facebook or emailing his mother.

 

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It can be any sort of box. Pizza, shoe, the UPS box your mom sent your night guard in. If it's cardboard and over a dick you can be sure there's a white boy attached to the other end.

  

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Every now and then a bro will find himself trapped in a loving supportive relationship with some bitch on Halloween. This means he will be sporting the often elaborate and dreaded couples costume. The possibilities for this one are endless but usually range from "Guy in That Wes Anderson Movie He's Never Seen" to "Guy in That Wes Anderson Movie That He Saw Once But Can't Really Tell You What It's About." He'll spend the whole night whining and telling you he thinks the characters name is Rudolph or something weird like that.

 

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There are some bros out there who have nobley taken on the task of trying not to be racist. Or their friend called dibs on being Ray Rice. Who's to say? These heroes, left with limited options, are given literally no other choice than to dress up as Honey Boo Boo's Mom's child molester boyfriend. What else are they supposed to do? Not do that?! They should just NOT go as a convicted child molester who molested children? I mean, yeah probably, but it's Halloween man, maybe go over to that guy in the Ravens jersey so you can learn a thing or two about comedy.

 

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He just had a pair of sunglasses in his car and wore them ok? He's wearing a costume like everyone wanted, what more does he have to do?

 

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Probably an Ebola patient. Possibly a black face version of the Honey Boo Boo child molester. Astronomically high chance he forgot to wear a costume and is just pulling his eyes and asking if you have any fried rice flavored candy.

 

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Sporting more of a political stance than a physical costume, this bro is trying to get the message across that dressing up as a Ninja Turtle is unequivocally the same thing as putting a dick in your mouth. This costume allows the wearer to be extremely flexible in creativity but generally ends with the wearer changing and deciding to go as "Guy Just Wearing Sunglasses With No Explanation."

  

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The slutty cat costume equivalent for the straight white dude, this costume allows the wearer to appear both adorably apathetic and non-threatening. He's making sure that no one's gonna confuse him for a racist even if that means confusing him with literally every other guy at the party.