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1. Gooooood afternoon, welcome to Patison Airlines Flight 3492 to Seattle. We have lovely flying conditions out in the skies today, and OHMYFUCKINGGOD NO NO NO NO NO NO NO OH MY GOD NO NO NO OK sorry about that folks it's back in its cage. Tricky devil figured out how to open locks.

 

2. Hello, this is your captain speaking. If anyone on the plane has a sorta knob thing, like a button, about 3 centimeters wide, pentagon-ish in shape, please bring it up to the cockpit so we can see if it replaces the one we broke.

 

3. You ever feel like no matter how much you sleep, you're never well-rested?

 

4. Attention passengers who chose fish as the dinner option tonight: I have some potentially tragic news. Everyone who chose chicken can just zone out for the next couple minutes.

 

5. I really don't think now is the time to FINE FINE I'll do it AHEM hey everyone, my co-pilot Rick here is single and ready to mingle. He's a swell guy and RickpleaseIdon'twanttokeepFINE his pager number if 661-

 

6. In case of an emergency, your seat cushion floats or something. It's not gonna make much of a difference, to be honest. In those final moments, as we're hurtling toward the cold, unforgiving sea, the last thing you're gonna give a shit about is unhooking and holding onto your farty seat cushion. ANYWAY seatbelts should be worn at all times during

 

7. Now I know your ticket says non-stop to Pittsburgh, but I'm gonna make a quick detour to Cleveland to say hi to someone. Super quick. I'm leaving the engine on, too, so we won't have to wait around or anything when I get back. You can exit the plane in Cleveland for snacks or whatever if you think you can make it back before me, but I seriously doubt it because I am going to be QUICK.

 

8. Okay, I just locked the door to the cockpit and finally feel safe enough to say that THERE IS ONE MORE FLIGHT ATTENDANT ON THIS PLANE THAN THERE SHOULD BE. ONE OF THE FLIGHT ATTENDANTS IS A FRAUD. PLEASE SORT THIS AMONGST YOURSELVES WHILE I FLY THE PLANE.

 

9. A little birdie told me that we have a celebrity sitting in First Class on today's flight! And another little birdie told me that if I ever take off this pair of underwear, my family will burn for their sins. Hold on, everybody shut up; so many birds are trying to talk to me right now through the windshield.

 

10. For those of you who have never flown before, guess what? Neither have I. Consider this our last night as sky virgins. And, if everything goes well with that stewardess whose name I can't remember, you know the kinda bald one, then this'll be my last night as a land virgin, too.

 

Illustration by Amir Khan, who believes he can fly ... who believes he can touch the sky.