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While you used to love wearing the same pair of jeans four days in a row, now everything you own is way too clean. You miss your old style of "rotting sweater and pants stained with tomato sauce." At least then you had character. THANKS A LOT, MOM.

 

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Remember those blissful college years when you used to eat chili out of the can because all the pizza places were closed and you tricked yourself into thinking you were full? THAT'S ALL OVER NOW. Your parents are feeding you salmon, and I think they even mentioned something about salad, which means they are trying to poison you.

 

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This may seem great at first, but don't be fooled. They are trying to lull you into a false sense of security, until you are too weak to ever leave the house again. All you'll be able to do is sit on the couch for hours, so helpless that you'll watch old episodes of Gilmore Girls and listen to your dad's story about how he ran into your math teacher from middle school but still can't remember his name.

 

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Julianna Margulies is like crack for parents, and soon enough you'll be just as addicted as they are. 

 

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Every time your parents offer to give you a ride somewhere, you could be falling in love with your Uber driver. Guess you're going to die alone now.

 

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Every morning you'll wake up to your old trophies and projects from high school, and you'll feel like you are slowly getting younger. You will soon realize you are living a twisted version of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, but for twenty-somethings.

 

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You forgot what it's like to be human anymore. What is sunlight? What it is like to start a conversation? What does the fresh breeze feel like on your face? You don't want to know, because that involves putting pants on.

 

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They are always saying fucked up shit like, "Let's go see that new Jennifer Lawrence movie," or "I love you so much." I mean, come on, they are suffocating you! Get out before it's too la-